During Covid quarantines, Afa and I locked down as tight as was possible. I didn’t leave our apartment complex for about 8 months. Afa went to work every day, and I worked from home with the kids, Afa’s parents, and our nanny – in a two bedroom, one bathroom apartment. He did the grocery shopping and anything else that required leaving the house. We made the best of it and maximized the space that we had. The kids and I spent most of the afternoons and evenings outside playing in the parking lot with the neighbors.
Because we were in the Bay Area, life started to open slowly during November 2021. One of the first weekends that outdoor spaces began to open, I scheduled us for a hike in a local park. I was so excited. We were all going to be outside the apartment complex for the first time in a very distant memory. That Saturday morning came, and I was nearly bouncing off the walls so anxious to get on the road (or even just get in the van!) As we were prepping diaper bags and snacks, I realized that Afa was being a little sulky. Even though I asked him what was going on, he told me that nothing was wrong. At that point in our marriage, I knew enough to not push the subject. He would tell me when he was ready.
We had an amazing time on our hike even though we all had to be masked outdoors. The kids and I were just thrilled to be there. They go to run to their hearts’ content, climbed trees, dug in the dirt. We walked for miles, basking in the experiences we had missed over the last year. I’m not naturally an outdoor person, but I was indescribably grateful to spend six hours in the park.
As we got home and tucked the kids in for a well-deserved nap, I gushed about how rejuvenating the day had been, and Afa was ready to tell me why he had been struggling in the morning. He said, “All I want to do on the weekend is stay at home, play with the kids, and watch TV. I don’t want to have plans.” I was so confused. I had been looking forward to this day for so long I couldn’t fathom why he would have wanted to be cooped up inside when outside was an option. I made sure he got some down time that day and the next so that he could appreciate his weekend too, but it took me a little while to figure out the obvious – we needed different kinds of rest.
Because he was out of the house every day and did all our errands, he needed to be at home. Because I was at home all day every day, I needed to be out. We both needed to recharge, but we required different adaptors. This realization was a game changer for me since this dynamic continued more than 18 months later. In March 2022, we were physically in a very different place. We lived in a huge house with a fantastic back yard, and a park within walking distance. However, our patterns remained consistent. I still worked from home and homeschooled the kids as Afa still went into the city to work each day. Afa’s parents had taken their vehicle when they moved to Southern California, so we only had one car for the family. When Afa drove, the kids and I were limited to the places that we could walk. Now, I was a mom who had my kids walk relatively far, including the 1.5 miles to the library, but 1.5 miles was basically our outer limit.
In order to meet my needs to rest and recharge, I wanted to plan events every Saturday with different groups of friends. We could go hiking, have picnics in the park, go to the zoo, go to the Children’s Museum. We wouldn’t have to be at home at all on Saturdays; it could be a whole adventure day. Also somewhat starved of adult interaction, I always wanted to invite other families on our adventures.
This was draining for my husband. He wanted to hang out at home with the kids and no one else because he was still out in the big wide world all day every day. He loved yard work and working on the house, tasks that I considered mundane chores. There were times that it felt like an impasse because we missed one another and didn’t want to do separate activities, but we also didn’t want to do the same activities.
When he is unavailable during the weekends, I make sure to plan plenty of outdoor activities so that we can focus on being at home on the weekends he is with us. One weekend he had to return to Southern California for the weekend, and the kids and I only stayed home to sleep and change clothes.
We never came up with a perfect solution, but the awareness of our varying needs has allowed us to meet one another’s more fully. I know not to plan every Saturday out of the house. If we have friends over for dinner on Sunday, I make sure Saturday evening is totally free. Afa is cognizant of how much time I spend at home. He sends me out to have dinner by myself or with friends. If I do plan an adventure, he gives his whole heart while we are out.
Conflict is often seeded in unmet needs. Be honest about your own needs, and then listen earnestly to your partner’s. A little creativity and problem solving can go a long way to avoiding the same conflict in the future.