One feature of our marriage is that Afa and I don’t make a huge deal about holidays and celebrations. It’s not super important to either of us, and that makes it easy when holidays come because neither of us is going to get hurt or angry if the other forgets or does something very simple. Afa’s birthday is on Valentine’s Day, so we don’t ever celebrate that. We will usually spend a night away from the kids sometime around our anniversary, but it is never a big production. We are both happy to keep these things easy going and inexpensive.

Enter children. And children’s birthday parties. Honestly, pandemic birthday parties were my favorite. We had Ana Lia’s 2020 party right before everything shut down. We had it at an indoor fun place, and I loved it because I didn’t have to do any set up or clean up, and the kids had an absolute blast. The boys had their 2020 birthdays in the middle of the pandemic, so we had pizza and birthday cake for them in the garage and only invited the kids that we played with in our apartment complex every day. These parties were my speed.

March 2021, Ana Lia had another party as the pandemic was in retreat, although not altogether finished. We planned a party at the park so that everyone could be masked and outdoors. She loves playing in the park, especially when there are other kids to play with. I invited a few families from church, planned to buy pizza, and let her bake her birthday cake the night before the party. I had no other plans. I didn’t plan any games or decorations or anything like that. I knew there were a few tablecloths we hadn’t used at a previous event, so I would lay those out and call it a day. 

When I go this route, I tend to get really insecure the day before and the day of the party. What are people going to think of me as a mom? We don’t have any balloons or decorations. We don’t have any party favors. What if they think I’m a bad mom? These thoughts can be really hard to overcome, but I try to remember why I choose to do it this way. If the party is simple, I can enjoy it more. If I don’t spend money on decorations, I can spend it on things the kids really care about, like excursions and book parties. The whole purpose of the party is for the birthday child to be encouraged, so I try to tailor the party to child. At some point, decorations may be very important to Ana Lia, and I’ll let her help me pick them out. Especially this year, the most important thing to her was spending time with friends, so I wanted to make sure that happened.

The day before the party, one of my friends asked if she could make cupcakes and bring some party favors. I told her both were unnecessary, but she was certainly welcome to if she wanted. When she asked what the theme was, to make everything match, I told her we didn’t even have a theme! At 2:30am, she sends me photos of all these beautiful things she made for Ana Lia’s party! I was absolutely floored.

The following day, we arrived at the park, set up the drinks and the birthday cake we baked together. Then the kids started playing and just enjoying themselves as other families started arriving. Then, Nani came and literally brought the entire party with her! She brought beautiful decorations, gorgeous (and delicious!) cupcakes, more than enough party favor bags. I was overwhelmed at her generosity and kindness to my family. 

This is only one of a myriad of examples as to why it’s so important to surround yourself with family, even when your physical family is geographically far away. I have friends that help watch my children at a moment’s notice, and I had to turn people down who wanted to bring us food when we all had Covid because we had so many offers to help that we ran out of space to keep the food. Of course, being part of a tribe means it’s an exchange of love and family, so we are there for our friends when they need us to, but wow, did Nani show up for Ana Lia’s party.

Here are few things I have learned about birthday parties over the years:

• Find out what is important to the child
  • What we consider priorities may not be priorities to your little one. Ask what they want their birthday to look like, and even though they may not get exactly what they ask for, you can work out what is truly important so you can focus on those.
  • Sometimes, it is the theme. For one of Eliam’s birthdays, he wanted Superman everything. He didn’t really care who showed up…he just wanted a Superman cake. 
  • This year, for Ana Lia, it was the people. At one point, we thought that our friends from San Leandro weren’t going to make it, and she was so sad. About halfway through the party, Aaliyah showed up, and I cannot tell you how encouraged Ana Lia was.
• Find out what is important to your family
  • Soon after Ana Lia was born, I found out how important parties are in Tongan culture, especially first birthday parties. Ana Lia was only a month old when my mother-in-law asked what we were going to do for her first birthday, and I was confused about the question because we had 11 months to figure that out. I later learned that it was a very important question, and knew enough to start planning the boys’ first birthday parties very early.
  • Finding out what is important to the family doesn’t mean that you have to make all of it happen. It just means that you are aware of it and incorporate what you can while sticking to your budget and mental capacity. They are part of your child’s life, so it’s important to include the extent that it’s both wise and feasible.
• Set a budget before you begin
  • I think this is one of the most important things you can do. The budget needs to include all food, decorations, and presents you plan to buy. I also think it’s important to explain the budget to your kids, that way they know what they can and cannot include in the party. If they want an expensive gift, they get a small party. If the party is more important, they only get a small gift.
  • Stick to your budget. Don’t go to the dollar store and get lots of extras because “it’s only $5.” Those items add up fast. Only buy the stuff that is in your budget. 
• Set the party up so that you can enjoy it too
  • Your kids are not going to have fun at the party if you’re stressed and grumpy all day. Choose the party that you can throw and still have fun. 
  • For some people, that is going to look like going all out and having themed decorations everywhere and themed snacks to go along with it, a photo booth, gift bags for the attendees, and all the parties games. That’s the zone where they thrive…and they should go for it! If that’s the kind of party you love, live it up.
  • If I tried to throw that kind of party, it would look excellent, but I would be miserable. That’s not how I want my kids to remember me during their birthday parties.

Birthday parties are an integral part of American life, and it’s important to celebrate your children so that they are encouraged. But parties don’t have to look the same for everyone. Find the right fit for your children and your family. Then have a blast!