But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Galatians 5:22-23

One mantra that Afa and I have is: “We’re a team.” We also instill the idea in our children. They are teammates, and we have to work together as a team: housekeeping, playing, getting dinner ready, washing the dishes – we do it all as a team. 

There are times when I have twisted the idea of being a team into the demand that Afa and I do the exact same amount of work, a concept frequently described as splitting the work 50/50. When these thoughts become invasive, I begin to keep score about all the different things that happen in our household. In July 2020, one particularly challenging month in our lives, I kept count of everything in my head: the number of hours I slept compared to Afa, the number of doctor appointments I took care of, the number of conflicts between the kids I handled, the number of times I did the dishes. I had a scoreboard constantly clicking in my mind. And I promise you: that scoreboard did nothing to help me embody love, joy, peace, patience, kindness or any other fruit of the Spirit. 

I was burned out because there was so much going on in our lives at the time – Afa’s dad had a very serious foot infection that needed daily wound care and multiple doctor appointments each week. Our new nanny started working, and Finiasi was having a hard time with the transition so he was throwing epic tantrums all day and sleeping terribly. I was learning to manage additional relationships between our nanny and my in laws, all while working a full time job and trying to be a disciple. Instead of getting open, seeking advice, and asking for help, I tried to “power through” and got more and more overwhelmed, discouraged, and distraught. Eventually, a friend called about something totally unrelated and asked how I was. I knew if I told her I was good, that I would be lying. So I broke down in sobs and told her everything. I’m so grateful for my godly friends because she reminded me that God was working even through this and helped me come up with a plan step by step to address some of the issues.

Whatever work you do, do it with all your heart. Do it for the Lord and not for men. Remember that you will get your reward from the Lord. He will give you what you should receive. You are working for the Lord Christ.

Colossians 3:23-24

After that important conversation, I remembered that Instead of aiming for 50/50, I decided to aim for 100/100. If we are all giving our best and working toward our marriage and family as though we were working for the Lord, I knew we could work out all the other details together. I had a renewed sense of determination to do my very best in each area. I also had a good conversation with Afa about the areas I could handle and the ones that I couldn’t. I was very grateful he stepped up to do more of the doctor’s appointments and medical care for his dad. We also scheduled some sisters who could come over and watch the kids play outside, masked and socially distanced, so that I could do things like shower or maybe even nap since I was up with Fin through the nights. But my change in attitude was even more important in the recovery process than the change in circumstances. Keeping score meant that everyone lost. 

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:5

During this time, I read several internet articles about our “mental load.” The concept made so much sense to me because I kept our family calendar, made doctors and dentist appointments, kept the grocery list going through the week, switched the kids’ clothes when they needed to move up a size, kept our schedule of Zoom calls through the week, and generally carried much of the mental load for our home. Reading all these articles about the percentage of the mental load that women tend to carry in American households fed into my scorekeeping, and I started to get angry that I was carrying so much more of the mental load than Afa was.

What I have since figured out about carrying the mental load is that, like anything else, if it is too much, I need to speak up. I need to be open about the areas I am struggling, ask for help, and work together to develop practical solutions. Allowing the scoreboard to keep ticking in my head only made life worse for everyone, and it ended up that when I was adding up the scores, I left off much of what Afa does, especially his part of the mental load. While we sit down once a year, or whenever our finances change, and write a budget together, he pays all the bills on a monthly basis. He also takes out the trash, which is a complex task here in San Pablo, because we have to maintain three different trash cans…a completely new teaching to me when we first arrived. He is also the first person to send me for a break when I seem overwhelmed, anxious, or tired.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Ephesians 4:1-2

Reading all those posts and getting worked up about women carrying the mental load had blinded me to how much my husband does to help, but it also reinforced harmful patterns that already existed in my mind. The result was a sense of entitlement, or what the Bible would call pride. I love the book of Ephesians because it gives practical solutions to handle relationships, and the beginning of chapter 4 provides the righteous response to my sense of entitlement. I needed to make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. I had lost my gratitude for the incredible gifts God had given me and my family. I had given into envy and at times despair. 

I want to emphasize that if you are in a similar place, my advice is not to “Buck up, Buttercup. Think positive thoughts, and everything is going to be okay.” It’s to be open. It’s to ask for help. It’s to reach out and see if there are aspects of your overwhelming circumstances that can be addressed. While you are doing those things, reassess your perspective. Mine had become incredibly self-focused, which seems like a natural side effect of quarantine – spending a year in your own house can make you focus very inwardly. But I don’t want that to be the place where I land. I’m grateful for my husband and my friends who help me through times where it seems like I’m drowning.

The seed falling among the thorns refers to someone who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, making it unfruitful.

Matthew 13:22

Jesus’ parable of the sower described me perfectly – I let the worries of this life choke the word and choke my joy and gratitude. The only way to handle thorns in the garden is to dig them out. It took a lot of prayer, support, and love from my friends and family to help me remove those choking thorns from my heart. Our circumstances didn’t change for about six months, but my heart changed much more quickly. I saw that if Afa and I were both giving our all, which we were, then our team was going to win.