So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

Matthew 7:12

Ana Lia has a wonderfully extroverted personality. She thrives on the energy from being around other people. Whereas Eliam would leave church completely exhausted from being around so many people; Ana Lia would leave energized and ready to face the rest of the day. In the moments that she either leaves quietly to go to her room or screams “I want to be alone,” I know she’s having a hard time. Alone is just not the state she prefers. Over the last year, I have changed the way that I handle these situations. I used to leave her alone in her room until she decided that she was ready to come out; she said she wanted to be alone, and I wanted to respect her requests. 

I changed the way that I approached it one day when I was having a rough time myself. I don’t remember what I was upset about, but I stormed off to my room, shut the door, and cried dramatically on the bed. After several minutes, I was able to compose myself a little and wanted my husband to come check on me. I didn’t verbalize that, but it’s what I wanted. It occurred to me that maybe Ana Lia needed the same support too.

The next time she had an all world meltdown and stomped off to her room, I gave her a few minutes to emerge from the throes of the most intense emotions. When she seemed calmer, I quietly climbed the ladder to the top bunk where she was laying and laid beside her. She told me, “I don’t want to talk about it!” I silently laid beside her until she rolled over and cuddled in close. We stayed like that silently for about five minutes until she was ready to talk about something else. In my mind, we were going to have the conversation then, but she asked if we could play hide and seek; and about 30 minutes later she asked if I wanted to know what she was mad about.

Since my first attempt at this method of conflict resolution, I have found it’s effective in a variety of situations. When afternoon TV time is over, I used to walk in and tell the kids to turn the TV off when the current episode was over. Now, I take a few minutes to decompress after work; then I bound into their room, jump on the bed with one of them, and ask them what they are watching. THEN I tell them it’s the last episode, but I watch the rest of it with them, asking tons of questions about it because they are still at the age when they think that’s fun.

I prefer doing art projects at the kitchen table and reading books on the living room couches. When I became more aware of the spaces that the kids like to play in, we do more art projects in the garage or in their bedroom now. We read books all over the house. I’m learning that I’m welcome in their spaces, especially when I come in without a preset agenda. I’m hoping that making a regular habit of entering their spaces in edifying ways, even in the middle of conflict, will carry over through the years. As they become teenagers, I want them to have their own space, but I also want to be part of it. If we have built a home where that is normal and welcome, perhaps that environment will remain. If I don’t enter their room much now, while they are little, it seems logical that I wouldn’t necessarily be welcome later in life.

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

James 4:8

Another area in which I am learning to share space is when the kids follow me around. This habit used to irritate me, until I noticed I do the same thing. Granted, I should probably be able to empathize with and understand my kids without having to experience the exact same situation, but I have learned so much by applying the concept of treating others the way I want to be treated. I don’t make a habit of hanging out in our garage. I like to be in spaces where there is lots of light, and by the nature of the space, the garage is pretty dark. So I’m not out there very often. One evening I was sitting on the kids’ gymnastics equipment in the garage and realized I was only out there because Afa was building some shelves. I just wanted to be near him. When he went into the living room to install the shelves, I very instinctively followed him there and sat on the couch, doing my own work but still in very close proximity to him. Over the next week, I focused on how often I did this, and it’s every single day. When Afa gets home, I tend to go to whatever room he is in, just to be close to him.

The light finally clicked: this is exactly what my kids do with me. They aren’t following me around the house with the intention of annoying me; they just want to be close to me. They are still quite young; so they are beginning to be able to occupy the same space with an independent activity, but they haven’t mastered the skill yet. If I’m in the kitchen, even doing something as small as making toast, Fin wants to pull a chair over to help cook. If I’m in my room folding laundry, all the kids want to be in there too. And of course, mothers everywhere can relate to the inability to go to the bathroom alone. 

This realization taught me to appreciate the time they want to spend with me, or to at least make a valiant effort to do that. My house starts to wake up between 7am-8am, so I get up at 5am to make sure I have a few hours of alone time before anyone else is up. This time sets me up for success for the rest of the day. I run; I write; and I spend time in the Bible while everything is quiet. When the kids wake up early, I can always tell the difference in how my day goes because I didn’t get “recharged” in the morning, and I tend to feel drained throughout the day. However, if I have gotten my time in the morning, then it’s easier throughout the day for me to love the time my kids want to spend with me. 

Each of the kids tend to have individual times of day when they need to share space with me. Right now, I’m the only person who can put Fin down for a nap. At some point, that might become a problem, but with work from home in quarantine, it’s a great time for him and I to get a few minutes together each day. Ana Lia wants to cook, and Eliam wants to sit beside my desk during the day and read. If I’m going to put laundry in, only a few steps from the living room to the garage, all the kids want to go with me. Of course, any time they get their bodies or their feelings hurt, they also need to cuddles. 

This all seems like basic parenting, but on many days, it requires a lot of self-denial. I don’t really like to be touched, and I have a sizable personal bubble. Sharing physical space takes mental preparation for me, and conscious decisions throughout the day to rejoice in spending time close to the kids instead of wishing they would back up a few feet. For some people, my husband included, this is a strength. He’s at his happiest when the kids are all over him, whether that’s wrestling during the day or sleeping on him through the night, but for me, it’s one of the bigger challenges. However, it has become easier as I learn that I have so many of the same needs that they do. And I can learn to meet their needs like I have learned to meet my own.