Stars: ★★★☆☆ (Maybe Worth Reading)
I read this book because it was recommended on the podcast The Place We Find Ourselves. The concepts are very overlapping, so if you do better with podcasts than books, you will be able to get a significant portion of the information there.
Premise
This book is by the same author as The Whole Brained Child. The book discusses the ways in which working through our past will integrate and strengthen both sides of our brain to help us be better parents. Through multiple discussions of the anatomy of the brain, the authors detail how unresolved trauma and loss from a parent’s childhood live as implicit memories, surfacing in situations that feel similar even though the adult is no longer in danger. The book goes through how we repeat patterns that we promised we wouldn’t when we have not taken the time to process our own emotional challenges.
Loved
- Inside Out Exercises: These were questions at the end of each chapter that required self reflection. Some took quite a bit of time to work through, so it was a bit of a time investment, but taking the time to answer them was the one way I learned the most from a book that was less practical than I usually enjoy.
- Contingent Communication: This is the act of hearing the messages a child is sending, even when that’s different than the words they are saying. For example, the child might be initiating a fight with her siblings, when in reality, she needs some attention. As parents, it’s our responsibility to learn to hear her messages and meet her needs, also teaching them the words to describe what she is feeling. When a child doesn’t feel understood, little things become big issues.
- Rupture and Repair: We are going to fail as parents, but simply apologizing is not sufficient, although it is a necessary starting place. Communicating our needs can avoid the rupture to begin with by helping us avoid resentment, but when we have failed to exercise self control with our kids, we need to actively seek repair. We need to know them enough to understand when to go to them. They may not be ready immediately, but we should be prepared in humility whenever they are. We need to take responsibility for our part in it, and after doing that explain the ways in which they need to act differently in the future.
- High Road/Low Road: one of my favorite parts of this book (and the podcast that directed me it) is that it provides a language to describe so much of what is going on inside my brain, which I didn’t necessarily have before. The low road is one I am intimately familiar with and have spent far too much time meandering down. The low road is when we respond from the lower parts of our brain – it is from a place of dysregulation and lack of control. The high road is when we can process the emotions inside of us and respond from our prefrontal cortex, making better decisions.
Didn’t Love
This dislike is based mostly on my preferences in parenting books. My favorite parenting books are Hunt, Gather, Parent and Playful Parenting. The biggest difference is that the two I love are very practical. They are easy to implement immediately. This book is more scientific and denser; the Spotlight on Science sections at the end of each chapter were particularly challenging for me. If you like anatomical books, this is likely to be high on your list.
Lessons Learned
- The example near the end of the book where Dan had a huge rupture with his son gave me a great idea for how to process similar situations with my kids. After he had talked things through with his son, they then pulled in his wife and all three of them talked through it and retold the story. By the end, they added laughter based on imitations of the dad by the son. They had taken a terrible situation and repaired the rupture in a way that will allow them to continue to have a strong relationship.
- When I get onto the low road, I need to remove myself from the situation. In my current phase in life, that means leaving the apartment. The kids are old enough now that they are okay to stay by themselves for ten minutes while I calm down. I can do that much more easily outside than I can in my bedroom, which is really the only place to get away from people in my apartment. But I have to make the decision immediately, before I give way to my anger.