Stars: ★★★☆☆ (Maybe Worth Reading)

This book came highly recommended, but I had a hard time getting through it, especially the first half because it is very academic writing. I think it was recommended due to confirmation bias, not because the book is particularly helpful. I already agreed with most of his recommendations, and that seems likely to be true of most of the people recommending it.

Premise

The author is described as an “international authority on child development,” and the thesis of the book is that most childhood problems are due to a lack of attachment to responsible, caring adults. Our culture has trained our children to be more and more peer-oriented. By losing the adult-oriented compass of past generations, our children are getting their attachment needs met by immature people incapable of providing the unconditional love and support that comes from parents or other loving adults in their lives.

Loved

1. Don’t Court the Competition
   This was one of the most helpful chapters as it described the ways in which peer orientation can seem beneficial at first. (The fact that the most useful chapters was 17 chapters in is an excellent demonstration of why I struggled so much with this book.) The author discusses how the peer-oriented child needs their parents less, and in a world where parenting is exhausting due to the lack of support, having a less needy child can be an incredible gift. Peer-oriented children are likely to go into classrooms more easily and make friends quickly. The opposite is true of adult-oriented children, especially when they are very young. They won’t go into classrooms well; they need to be close to their parents or trusted adults almost all the time; and they don’t attach as easily to other children.
   
   The author’s argument is that when we encourage peer-oriented children to continue in that direction, we are making huge long term sacrifices for short term gains. If we are willing to be patient with the needy four year old who is scared of going to class, the attachment that creates will allow that child to still come to us at 14. If we are constantly pushing our children to get their attachment needs met by peers, they will learn not to come to us when their needs increase.
   

2. Discussion of the Loss of Intergenerational Homes
   This is possibly another example of confirmation bias. I already strongly believed in the fact that the ways Western cultures have separated families and generations has been detrimental to children, mothers, and mental health in general. Reading about it from an academic scholar only reiterated this belief. In cultures where parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles all live close, children are able to learn from adults around them who love them unconditionally. This allows parents time to rest while not encouraging peer orientation. It also allows children to learn from a place of attachment instead of a place of fear.
   

3. Discussion of the Dangers of Teenage Promiscuity
   I have never heard of teenagers having multiple sex partners as “emotionally unprotected sex,” but it was a point that explained so many of the dangers behind it. The author explained that sex should be the culmination of connection in a relationship rather than the initiation. When teens are seeking to fulfill their attachment needs through promiscuity, it hardens their hearts to the ability to be truly vulnerable, and it is this vulnerability that allows humans to truly connect with one another. An excellent quotation explaining describing the drive to this is: “pseudo-sophistication without maturity, physical playing out of intimacy without any psychological readiness to cope with the consequences.”

Didn’t Love

The repetitive statements that inner city kids are more likely to lack attachments than children in the suburbs were problematic in multiple ways. Because “inner city” is a common euphemism for poor, black people, the racial implications are obvious. And he writes the comparison as though these are the main two types of children to exist, a dangerous form of myopia.

I also disagreed with the premise that a lack of attachment can explain everything from aggression to boredom. He makes many excellent points about the importance of fostering attachment in our children, but in many places he seems to overreach when discussing it as the root cause for almost any issue a child has.

Lessons Learned

• “The less peers matter, the more the vulnerability of peer relationships can be endured.” This statement helped me understand the importance of strong adult relationships because peer relationships can be volatile. As our children navigate this volatility, the foundation of strong attachment to us as their parents offers a guide through the challenges and a place to return that is safe when the rest of world feels unsafe.
• “The hardest part for many parents is the shift in focus from behavior to relationships.” This has certainly been a long journey for me. The years that I spent learning about unschooling were particularly helpful in this shift, but without those, I would likely still focus on the outward actions instead of the heart of relationship that will allow me to influence and coach my kids long after childhood.