I’ve known Tupou Maile for more than 10 years, and it has been an honor and a privilege. I first met him when I visited Afa’s family in Southern California when we were dating, but I got to know him well when he and my mother-in-law moved to Denver, Colorado, to help with Ana Lia right after she was born. As odd as it sounds, I didn’t know what to call them for the longest time because we don’t have a term of endearment for in-laws, but calling them by their first names was very formal. I soon adopted what I heard most people in the family call them – Grandma and Grandpa. Not only did the mirror what my children called them, but it also encapsulated my relationship with them. They doted on me often, the way a grandparent treats their grandchild.
While I was in the hospital with Ana Lia, my sister came to stay with us too and brought Ben, her second son, who was 11 months at the time. It took some patience and a few days, but Grandpa won over Ben’s heart, and vice versa. Over the years since then, Grandma and Grandpa both asked regularly about my parents – and about Ben.
When Grandpa first moved in with us, I didn’t understand his many medical conditions, but I soon learned that he wouldn’t let anything stop him – even when he should have been resting. One Thanksgiving, he told some friends from church that he would help cook a pig for Thanksgiving dinner. He woke up with a nosebleed, which was serious because he had CLL. But he didn’t tell anyone. Instead, he went to our friends’ house, set up the spit, and got the pig cooking. Then, he told Afa that his nose was bleeding and that he needed to go to the hospital. As we went to see him throughout the day, I received an update from the nurse, who told me he would be admitted for several days. When I went to talk to Grandpa, he told me in great spirits that he was ready to be discharged that day. I laughed with him and explained that he would be there for a few days, but that he would get to come home soon.
Over the years, I saw more and more of his kindness, generosity, and deep love. If the kids heard the ice cream truck, he always had cash for them to spend. Any time we headed out to church, he gave Ana Lia $20 so that we could buy them McDonald’s on the way home. I have no idea how many times the kids would be walking around my house with candy, and I knew there was only one place they could have gotten it.
In December 2019, Grandpa and Grandma moved in with us long term in San Francisco. It was snug as we all lived in a two bedroom, one bathroom apartment, but it was the ideal multigenerational home. Grandma did almost all our cooking, and Grandpa played with the kids to his heart’s content. When the world shut down in March 2020, our lives didn’t change significantly, I continued working from home, and they continued playing with the kids. We had some health scares when the doctors discovered basal cell carcinoma on his foot, but we got through them together. And Grandpa’s optimism and good humor through all the difficulties contributed to the joy of our home.
In January 2021, we moved into a beautiful, large house, where Grandpa and Grandma finally had their own room, their own bathroom and space to live and walk around. We started changing all his doctors because we had changed counties when tragedy struck in March 2021. All of the sudden, Grandpa fell four times in a single week. Over the course of the next months, he completely lost his mobility and became bed bound. Those first few weeks in the hospital were the most challenging for him because we couldn’t visit much due to Covid restrictions, and we had no idea when he would come home. By the time he was discharged to home, he was so grateful to be back that his laughter and jokes returned almost immediately. The first food he asked for when he got home was Taco Bell!
Being bed bound includes many indignities, but Grandpa always took these in stride. As we completed his IV injections, he smiled and thanked me. He frequently wanted all the foods that were not good for him, but he would drink his green smoothies in the morning as the cost of getting better food later in the day. He stayed with us until October of 2021 and moved back down to Southern California where there were more people to help with his care. Over the few months that he was there, we were able to visit a few times. The final time that we visited was for his 80th birthday. We went down for the weekend, and the kids got to spend so much time with him. He always let them watch cartoons on his TV, so they would sneak in there anytime they could.
We were able to move him to another house on Sunday to watch the Super Bowl. We celebrated with him, gave him lots of hugs before we left, and drove back to Northern California. There were several signs that he wasn’t feeling well, but we had been through this so many times that we thought he would probably go back into the hospital for a few days and then return to Fatai’s house. However, Fatai let us know that he was quickly going downhill, and he passed away on Thursday, February 17, 2021. I am so grateful we were able to spend as much time with him as we were before he passed.
He will be held close as a father, father-in-law, and grandfather. My kids adored him, and I loved him deeply. He was my husband’s dearest role model. Our mourning process is only beginning, but his joy, laughter, and unending support will sustain us through the hard days and bring smiles on the good days.
