For years, my anger was a constant companion. I lost my temper easily with my children, and I would be ever-annoyed with people around me. Through the years, I have done a lot of work to learn to rein that anger in and process it in a righteous, healthy way. One of the ways that I do this is with daily reminders, and many times I remind myself of these more than once a day.

Just Stand Up

This one took me years to accept. As a mom there seem to be countless times when you have been doing random household tasks for a few hours, you finally sit down, and a child needs something at that exact moment. I have learned to say to myself, “Just stand up.” I want to meet their needs, and I don’t want them to feel like a burden. Usually, their requests can be satisfied in only a few moments. When someone makes a request, I repeat this mantra to protect my own heart. Otherwise, I get annoyed, and my annoyance is immediately visible.

There are times, especially while I’m working, that I cannot meet a need, and one of the most effective measures for this is to teach my kids to do for themselves – at a time separate from the now. Finiasi wants to eat fish sticks and ketchup multiple times a day, and this was a request that I would frequently have to ask him to wait as I finished a work task. At calmer times, we work through all the steps for him to make it himself, finding a step stool, getting into the freezer, and practicing with the ketchup so that it doesn’t bleed all over the table.

In other moments though, when my fatigue tells me to be annoyed, I remind myself to just stand up.

Fill the Water Bottles

This one seems super random, but it makes our mornings run much more smoothly. Before the kids get up, I clear off the table, run the dishwasher, and fill up their water bottles. All of my kids are capable of filling their own water bottles, but I find that this small task makes a big difference. By the time the kids are awake and getting breakfast, I have usually been signed in for work for a couple of hours. I will help them get breakfast or give instructions on how to make breakfast, eventually leading to everyone sit down. Breakfast brings a calm after the morning rush, and inevitably, five minutes in, someone needs something to drink.

If the water bottles are already filled, I simply have to reach over and pass the correct water bottle to the child. If they aren’t filled, either the kids are trying to get up and down and fill their own bottles or I have to get up and do all 3 of them together. If I have taken less than two minutes earlier to fill them all, it allows this part of the morning to flow unabated.

Your one tiny thing is probably different from mine, but if there is something that is adding unnecessary friction to your day, find a more convenient time to do that one thing. Make a habit of consistently doing that at a better time to add ease to your days.

Get Outside

This one can be more challenging on busy days, but it’s also one that I almost never regret following through with. We live in an apartment now, but even when we had our house in the Bay Area, getting outside each day was a priority. We all needed some breathing space, and my relationship with my kids is much better if we can all run off the extra energy that we have. Your first thought might be, “WHAT EXTRA ENERGY?” (in reference to yourself, certainly not your children.) But in my experience, my extra energy is often channeled into worry or frustration. If I let the sun bleach all this anxious energy away, I’m left refreshed.

Children need to exhaust themselves to some extent each day. Their bodies are made to run, jump, explore, and push boundaries. I use this time to finish work from the day or make phone calls to friends, but it’s an irreplaceable part of our day. They sleep better, argue less, and enjoy nature more when this is a priority. 

Play the Game

Playing with my children is not my strength, although it is the topic of one of my favorite parenting books. When my kids ask me to play a game, I try to respond “yes” as often as possible, and this is the mantra I repeat to myself when I want to continue whatever “important” adult task I am currently involved in (especially if that adult task involves my phone.) I remind myself to Play the Game because it is a bid for connection, much like the bird-bids described in John Gottman’s research. If I meet this request for connection, I am more likely to have a healthy, long term relationship with my kids.

You Can Come

As the kids have gotten older, their pleas to be with me all the time have transitioned into requests. When I say that I’m going to the store, the post office, a church service, or a variety of other errands, there is inevitably a question from the background: Can I come?

For many years, if I was leaving the house, especially during and after the pandemic, it was because I desperately needed time away from the kids. Our lives have calmed since then, and now when I leave, it’s usually because I have a task that needs to be accomplished. While similar to the bid for connection described above, this one allows us time to have conversations. We can talk on the drives, and they can learn about grocery shopping, Bible studies, visits to the post office.

My prayer is that as they grow, especially as pre-teens and teenagers, that these requests will continue. However, if I shut them down every time now, why would they continue to ask ten years down the road? If I make the effort to have them join me in my life now, perhaps they will allow me to join theirs as they continue on their journey.

Make the Phone Call

This one really digs into the millennial introvert that I am. I would prefer to text everyone, everyday. It is an emotional expenditure to make phone calls, but these are opportunities to connect with my friends and with those who need a friend. I have a list of people to call once a week to touch base and check in, so I make those calls in the afternoon. When someone comes to my mind or has been on my heart for a few days, I also tell myself to Make the Phone Call. More often than not, people don’t answer and I will follow it up with a text because I’m not one to listen to voicemails, so I don’t ask others to. But I want people to know that I love them enough to call. 

Conclusion

This is not a list of reminders that you need to implement in your life, but a list of reminders that help my day run more smoothly. Find your own – the ones that are important for both your short term (calm days) and long term (strong relationships) goals. Then build a habit of telling yourself those in the moments you least want to listen.