Afa and I were invited to speak at a marriage retreat recently, and this is the summary of our lesson. It is loosely based on BEMA Discipleship Episode 46, so that is a great resource as well.

There are three words in the Bible that are all translated into love in English, and they are applicable to a variety of circumstances in our lives, including marriage. Because our marriages will be the strongest when we have all three of them, it is a good idea to do an audit of where you and your spouse are in showing one another each type of love. Like a three-legged stool, when one is missing the stool is going to topple.

Agape

Jesus answered him, “The first of all the commandments is: ‘Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:29-31

The word translated into love is agape. This is a self-sacrificial love. This word connotes a conscious action rather than an emotional feeling. We found that it is important to not only love God with all our heart, soul, strength and mind works but also set God as the core of your marriage. Having your children, your ministry, your job or anything else as the foundation will lead to instability. Each person has to have their times with God each day, seek the Kingdom first, and reach out to the lost world. Without this as the foundation, we tend to set up expectations that another person will be able to meet all our needs, when that’s impossible. That is too great a burden to put on other people that they were not created to bear. 

Phileo

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:10

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13

The Greek word for this love is phileo. This was the love Jesus showed for his closest friends. He hung out with them. He laughed and cried with them. He spent time with them and gave up his life for them. This type of love is imperative for a healthy marriage. It is so important to simply spend time with one another and have fun together. For some couples, that looks like dates out on the town. For Afa and I it often looks like peach pie, sparkling cider, and some Arrowverse. When we are hanging out with the kids too, we like to do hiking and picnics. If you look at your life and think “there’s no time for us to have fun,” you probably need to find something else to remove. Living in a constant state of burnout and passing one another, accomplishing the next task, is likely to foment resentment toward one another, not joy.

Eros

Kiss me and kiss me again, for your love is sweeter than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2 NLT

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 1 Corinthians 7:3-4

The Greek word for love here is eros, which is the sexual love inside your marriage. Sex and intimacy inside marriage are paramount. These two are not the same thing, but they are related; and they are both important. God created us as sexual beings, and those needs are to be met inside your marriage. Like phileo, this love will look different inside each marriage. There is no right number of times to have sex for everyone, but according to the Scripture above, it is based on your spouse’s needs, no matter which spouse that is. Intimacy often stems from our phileo and extends into eros. Sometimes it is natural and joyful and easy. Other times it requires intentionality and effort, often depending on external circumstances.

In our culture, sex is often wrapped in shame and guilt. We have been taught that it is to be hidden away, but we have to overcome our cultural mores and learn to talk about sex inside our marriages. Unspoken expectations are premeditated bitterness. We have to talk to one another about all sorts of aspects of sex to ensure that both people’s needs are getting met. It may feel unnatural at first, but it is such an important conversation.

Examples

In some marriages, both people may really be fired up and all in for the ministry but their friendship and romance suffers. In others, they love the friendship part and want to hang out with their spouse all the time but miss the love for God and the lost. Below are two examples of extremes in our marriage, keeping in mind that we have been all over the spectrum when it comes to these types of love.

Without Love

The last six months that Afa and I lived in Denver were some of the hardest in our marriage. We were missing all three types of love. We had two babies and  lived with our friends the Bujacis and their five kids. It was what my mom used to call “a 24 hour household.” Afa worked night shifts about 1.5 away, and we couldn’t afford childcare for Eliam so Afa had to watch him during the days. Afa went six months with very little sleep. John worked rotating shifts, so it seemed like there was always someone coming in or out. 

We had no agape. At the time, the church we were in was not doing well. Our quiet times were weak or nonexistent. There were no Bible studies, no evangelism, just showing up at the appointed times, going home, and trying to survive the next day. 

Afa and I had very little phileo. Christy and I worked at the same company and often had all the kids by ourselves. We would take them to the gym and the pool together. We ate dinner together. It often felt like it was she and I against the world, and she got all of my phileo love. Afa was exhausted all of the time, and I felt like he wasn’t helping, so we fought often. One month during this period, we argued every day for more than a month. Our marriage was full of strife without much fun or joy.

Because of Afa’s work schedule and our lack of friendship and intimacy, we didn’t make eros a priority either. Our marriage continued to suffer because of it. 

With Love

Thankfully, we moved to San Francisco in early 2017 and found healing for our relationships with God and with one another. We received much-needed discipling and love from the church we moved into.

One of my biggest lessons from 2021 was that love inside our marriage could be amazing even when all the external circumstances were not. That year, Afa’s parents were living with us, and my father-in-law lost all of his mobility. Life became overwhelming in many ways. We thankfully had family staying with us on and off for months to help with Grandpa’s care, but I often felt like I was working three full time jobs – my regular job, caring for my father in law, and homeschooling my kids. It was a continual lesson in choosing not to worry about tomorrow because I could only get through one day at a time.

But looking back at that time, our marriage was in one of the strongest places it had ever been. Many of our Bible studies and services were still on Zoom, so we could be fully involved and still take care of all our responsibilities. When the world began to open again, we learned to work together so that we could each have our quiet times and make it to Bible studies. We rarely argued, even though our stress levels were unusually high. We still found time to spend relaxing time with one another and connect at the end of the day. It just had to be at our house after the kids went to bed. Eros required some creativity because our house was overfilled much of the time, but it worked for us because it was a priority. We were a priority to one another. 

Conclusion

Marriages are journeys, and all journeys have their ups and downs. Communicating with your spouse about these three types of love can help determine which one(s) needs more focus during the season you are in.