My father in law passed away on February 17, 2021. We were able to honor his life from March 3-5. It was not my first experience in a Tongan funeral, but it was by far my most involved. As I observed and participated in the services, I was amazed at the contrasts between my previous experience with funerals and this one. As an aside, most of the funerals that I have previously attended have been in majority white evangelical churches in the American South, so that is the point of reference I used for comparisons.

As is often the case, Tongans mourn as a community. Many families and friends visited over the course of multiple days to pay respect to the Maile family. They brought gifts, mats, and money to support the family. In return, our family fed everyone who arrived to pay their respects to Grandpa. Grandma always had someone by her side, and after the funeral, the family had planned the next several months to ensure that she had continued support. In contrast, the isolation of American grief is striking.

There is also a wide acceptance of loud mourning and wailing in grief. These outbursts of genuine emotion are taboo at funerals I have attended where everyone, even the grieving widow or widower, is expected to mourn with restraint. 

Thursday Morning

The first ceremony of the week was very small at Fatai’s house. Afa’s older cousins came and offered gifts of blankets and Tongan mats. These were gifts from the closest family members who had traveled to prepare and participate in the ceremonies, so they had this one in the very beginning before the other started. This ceremony was all in Tongan, so I didn’t understand the exchange of words, but the intimacy and love in the exchange of gifts emanated to our vantage point on the stairs. Listening to the Tongan hymns was one of the first of many times through the weekend that I was moved to tears remembering my dear father-in-law and the difference he made in so many lives.

Thursday Evening – Fai Lotu (Full Video)

One of the larger ceremonies was the fai lotu on Thursday evening. Tongan families and groups from the churches that Grandpa had been part of came to pay their respects to him and to the Maile family. Each group would bring gifts of Tongan mats, blankets, food, and money. These would be placed before the fahu, the oldest daughter of the oldest living generation. She receives all the gifts and gives them out to others. The gifts received by the family were incredibly generous. I’ve never seen so much food all in one place. It was all intended to share, which is where so much of the beauty comes from.

We were all to be together, eat together, sleep near one another. In this time of honoring and mourning, the ceremonies are designed to pull people together. Ceremonies I have attended in the past pull people together for a single service where you have to be quiet and not touch each other too much. These intentionally brought us all closer. Over the next several days, there was food on Uncle Moli’s island constantly. Anyone could stop at any time to eat. It was a continuation of the culture of hospitality even in the periods of grieving.

In exchange for the gifts the family received, we provided plates of food for everyone who attended. Many family members traveled from other states and countries to help complete the preparations for service, including cooking this food which took almost 24 hours. Many people didn’t sleep at all Thursday night. They all came back to Fatai’s house around 5:30am, freshened up, and went back out to work some more. 

Friday Evening – Memorial Service (Full Video)

Friday evening was a beautiful tribute to Grandpa. It was more like a church or a memorial service. Multiple people got up to speak for him, and the people sang Tongan hymns throughout the service. Part of this service was a reading of the history of Grandpa’s life, and then Afa delivered the eulogy. After the eulogy, each of Grandpa’s children and their families were invited up to the front of the church to speak. Around 3:08:00 in the full video, you can see Finiasi’s contribution to the service, which was precious.

One of the biggest differences at this funeral was the interactions we had with the body. It was common for people to smell the leis that Grandpa was wearing, and Asenie, one of Afa’s nieces who is the fahu of her generation was responsible for keeping his face clean with lotion on it. Throughout the service, two of the young women covered and uncovered the casket with a sheer white cover. So many of the taboos that I have previously experienced were nonexistent in this service, and it seemed to allow people to mourn more fully than I have seen in the past. 

This is another service where the Maile family provided food for all in attendance. Instead of cooking this dinner, we ordered it prepared from a local restaurant and passed out plates to everyone after the service ended. 

Saturday Morning – Prayer Service and Burial (Full Video)

On Saturday morning, there was a small family prayer service and a larger memorial service at the LDS church that Grandpa attended. At this point, my kids and three of the other small children couldn’t handle sitting through any more services, so I was very grateful that there was a play room with a few toys across the hall from the service. I kept the kids in there during these shorter services. The bishop at the church did not want these services recorded, so they were a personal time for the family and the congregation to pay their respects.

After the final church services, we had a police escort for the motorcade to the cemetery. Having grown up in Tennessee, I learned to stop for funeral processions, no matter which side of the street it was on. I quickly learned that this is not common practice in Southern California. I couldn’t believe that everyone just kept driving by. When we arrived at the cemetery, the traditional Tongan decor covered the fahu’s chair and everyone still wore their ta’ovala. There was more sharing and more hymns. There was also a small release of doves. In all the funerals I have attended before, we either before the casket was lowered into the ground or just after. For Grandpa’s funeral, we stayed until the cemetery employees had replaced the sod on the ground and laid the flowers to cover the grave. It was a beautiful way to say our final goodbyes.

Saturday Afternoon – Hair Cutting Ceremony (Full Video)

The final ceremony was the hair cutting ceremony Saturday afternoon. Charlene, one of Afa’s sisters-in-law, is from another prominent Tongan family, and her family provided large platters of Tongan food for everyone in attendance. There was additional sharing about Grandpa, prayers, hymns, and exchange of mats. As you look through the pictures below notice how frequently the mats on the floors change. Grandpa’s children crawled to the fahu, and she took the money from their hair and cut part of their hair. The two daughters of Grandpa, Auntie Eleni and Auntie Fatai, were the only two to have their hair cut off completely. The daughters of the deceased have their hair cut as a sign of respect. 

Conclusion

I am grateful that I was able to participate in all the ceremonies celebrating and honoring the life of Tupou Tolutaha Maile. He was a hardworking man of deep character who loved his family more than anything. The Tongan traditions allowed us all to grieve communally so that no one had to mourn in isolation. The days were long but filled with love, family, and support. We sent Grandpa off with all of our love.