We try to go to Tennessee to see my family each fall around Halloween. Airplane tickets tend to be cheaper that time of year because most kids are in school and the holiday price spikes haven’t started yet. It is also my favorite time of year to be in the Appalachians. The colors of the trees are so beautiful, and my kids are old enough now to appreciate the beauty too. Especially living in California, where the seasons are wet and dry with little temperature change, seeing the explosions of autumn colors warms my heart and soul.

I also love visiting because my mom and my sister (and respective husbands) live together with approximately ten children in a wonderfully enormous house in rural East Tennessee. It is a veritable children’s playland. They have a playroom for the smaller children that has books and age appropriate toys and a playroom for the older that has legos and other games that toddlers should not play with. They have occupational therapy equipment that creates an indoor gymnastics center in the foyer. Outside, there is a trampoline, a playground, and all the sports equipment one could request. There is a pool open in the summer, and snacks are readily available. In short, it’s the perfect place to take a vacation with three small children because large swaths of it actually feel like a vacation.

There were a few days that all the other children were at school, so me and my three kids had a few hours together alone. In those hours, I learned some important lessons about connecting with my kids that I translated later into life back in California. 

I didn’t need my phone in arm’s reach all the time.

I would put my phone upstairs while the kids and I were playing downstairs. I left it there for 2-3 hours at a time. I told myself that it would be okay because everyone knew I was out of town and would be slower to respond than I usually am. And it was okay…in fact, it was wonderful. I could give the kids 100% of my focus without my phone regularly buzzing or me checking it to ensure I hadn’t missed a message. I started thinking about the messages that I receive through the day and realized that I don’t receive many messages, if any, that couldn’t wait an hour or two for a response. 

I usually turn my phone off on Sunday nights so that I can hang out with Afa, but I started putting my phone in my room from 8am to 10am through the week so that I have a few hours of focused time for work and the kids. I didn’t realize how my phone can feel like such a burden sometimes and how I feel lighter by giving myself permission not to respond to it. I follow a parenting coach whose whole family has technology-free Saturdays. I used to think that would be impossible, but the idea is something I want to work toward – having uninterrupted time with my family.

Be the Yes Space

I love creating “Yes Spaces” for the kids. When they ask to do exciting activities, I try to say “yes” as often as I can. I try to create places like their room and our living room where the kids can play with everything they see. I don’t need to keep a constant eye on them because I designed the space with them in mind. These spaces foster independence in my children and allow me some breathing room as a mom because I don’t have to have a constant eye on them. Even though I set up their environment as a yes space, I realized while I was in Tennessee that I could do a much better job of being part of that space myself. 

One of my favorite quotations from Lawrence Cohen’s Playful Parenting is “Children don’t say, ‘I’ve had a hard day. Can we talk?’ They say, ‘Will you play with me?’” There are many days that I miss the opportunity to connect and play with them because I am busy, tired, or distracted. While we were in Tennessee, I decided that I was going to say yes to any of the requests they made. During the morning hours when no one else was home, we played on the trampoline in the rain, produced puppet shows, played catch, swam in the jacuzzi tub, and roller bladed in the driveway. We had montage-worthy play hours, and it rejuvenated to all of us. 

In “real life,” where I work a full time job, it’s harder to find the time to indulge in hours of engaged, connected play. But the experience over a week of how fulfilling it was for my kids reminded me that it needed to be a priority even when we had so many other things going on. One of my strengths as a mom is ensuring that the kids get lots of time outdoors and several hours a day of free play, but I rarely participate in these times. In fact, I usually see these as opportunities for down time. I get a chance to return phone calls, read books, scroll through Instagram. And there is certainly and time and place for all of those, but I have started taking the first hour that we are at the park to play with the kids rather than watch them play. It’s been such a great opportunity for us to connect each day.

Morning Time Is Me at My Best

This lesson was one of the hardest because I have not thought of an effective way to incorporate it into our daily lives. I am a morning person through and through. When my alarm goes off at 5am, there is no back and forth in my mind about pressing snooze or rolling over and sleeping more. I am out of bed and ready to go. I always have been. In Tennessee, I spent time with the kids during these morning hours when I felt my best and had the most energy. Because of the schedule we keep at home, my morning hours are dedicated to work. I run and have my quiet time from 5am to 7am, and then I sign in for work at 7. Because I sign in early and I work from home full time right now, I am done with work by 3pm.

This is the time that I spend with the kids. We go to the park or go on a walk or cuddle on the couch and read. But, honestly, by the time 3pm comes, my energy has waned. I’m not the chipper homeschool mom that I am in the morning. I’ve given my best hours to my job, and I’m drained, which is why I would rather spend park time reading than playing. Like I said, I haven’t figured this one out completely yet. Maybe it means shifting my work hours so that I can have some time in the morning focused solely on the kids. Maybe it means simply denying myself in the afternoons so that I can give to them even in fatigue. Maybe it’s something entirely different that will require some creative problem solving, but I want my kids to get the best of me in as many ways as possible.

Conclusion

I love spending time with my family in Tennessee, and I’m super grateful for the gift of time that the trip always affords. This time around, I want to bring a little bit of that Tennessee hospitality home with me so that I can continue to build close, connected relationships with my kids no matter where we are geographically.