For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Hebrews 12:11

Because my father-in-law fell ill and required intense caretaking, my amazing sister-in-law stayed at our house every other week for a few months. It was an absolute joy to have her, and I was indescribably grateful for the help in the midst of a huge transition. My husband has family in the Bay Area, and Auntie Fatai took Ana Lia to see them one day. They had a wonderful time, and the following day, Fatai was going to take all three children. I was looking forward to this day with every fiber in my being. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had been alone in my house for that many hours. I was excited for the solitude, the quiet, the ability to get work done, maybe even take a nap. I couldn’t wait.

The morning of the big visit came, and Ana Lia was struggling to be kind to her brothers. Over the course of an hour or so, she had done a variety of things to make both of them cry multiple times. I pulled her aside and told her that if she could not make better choices about how to treat people then I couldn’t let her go play with her cousins. It was less than an hour until they left, and I needed her to leave the boys alone until that time. Less than five minutes later, she walked into the garage and flipped Eliam out of the swing. My heart sank. The day I had been looking forward to for so long was no more, and the same for her.

I called her in and told her that she had disobeyed what I asked her to do and that she wouldn’t be able to go to her cousins’ house. She was more devastated than I was, which was saying something. She went to her bed and bawled for what seemed like forever. As Fatai was loading the boys into the car, I considered letting her go anyway, thinking “maybe the thought of missing the day at her cousins’ house would be enough corrective action.” But my instructions had been clear: if she made her brothers cry, she did not get to go. This was one of the hardest moments of the day because I wanted to give in, but I knew the long term impacts of not living up to my word. She fell asleep in her despair, but when she woke up, she was resigned to the fact that she and I were home for the day.

Following through on the consequences we communicated to our children is imperative if we want them to believe us the next time. (There are times when we need to rethink our words, especially if they were in anger and out of sync with the offense, but that is a different situation.) However, we also have to be careful not to go beyond what we said the consequences would be. I told her the consequence was that she could not go to her cousins’ house. There was no reason for me then to make the whole day miserable. In fact, I would much prefer that she associate alone time with me as something enjoyable, even though she was sad to miss the fun day with family.

My thought process can sometimes sound like “She is being punished. I want her to be punished for the entire day,” but that’s retribution not restoration. Because I held my ground and did not let her go, the next time that I explain the consequences of her choices, she will know that I am going to follow through on those consequences. Once she has learned that, I want to continue to build a solid foundation for our relationship. I decided that we were going to enjoy the day together and make the most of this unexpected opportunity.

When she woke up, she and I had breakfast on the couch together. She got to take a long bath by herself, and we went on a walk and took lots of selfies together. And even though I didn’t get the day I was looking forward to, Ana Lia is very independent, so I did get blocks of quiet work time as she went off to work on her own projects. The previous few months at our house had been chaotic as we were trying to manage care for Afa’s dad and had family staying with us on and off. She had gotten lots of time with her aunt and cousins, but she and I hadn’t gotten much time together.

This day ended up being a gift beyond measure, and for me, it is important to find joy in the hard days. I don’t always manage to, but I have found that when I am conscious about choosing to be joyful, it makes all the difference in the atmosphere in our home and my relationship with my kids. Yes, consequences are important, and natural consequences are our preference whenever possible, but our relationships with our kids are even more important. So I try to find ways to honor both, rather than one over the other.