Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Philippians 2:3-4

The idea of “self-care” has become pervasive, as though it is a goal in and of itself. This message is particularly on brand for Americans, who have been trained since we were born to believe that we are the center of the world. We are encouraged to speak our truth, follow our hearts, and use our gut instincts as an indicator of good choices. Each of these is centered on the belief that we know the best decisions for our own lives. However, the Bible is the standard of truth. Our hearts often lead us to foolish decisions, and our consciences can become seared through years of ignoring it.

Through all of this comes a message that self-care should be prioritized so highly because we have already been taught that we are our own gods. By their very nature, gods are to be worshipped, which means that we come to worship ourselves, our desires, and our needs. Placing others’ needs ahead of your own runs counter to the overarching message we receive today, and even more so the messages our children receive. But throughout the Bible, we see a message of self-sacrifice and placing the needs of the Kingdom above our own needs.

I can relate to these feelings because I have battled the same thoughts. I wake up at 5am each morning to ensure that I have a few hours alone before my children wake up. I go for a run four times a week, and I write three days a week. Then I have my time with God. Ideally, all this happens before any of the children wake up because that allows me to get my love cup filled before I need to fill anyone else’s. There was a time in my life when I would get angry if anyone interrupted my self-care time in the morning because it was supposed to be “my time.” How was I supposed to serve my family if I hadn’t served myself first?

Ay, there’s the rub.

I predicated my ability to serve on the amount of time I spent on my needs first. Jesus, whom I aspire to follow in all aspects of discipleship, served in grief, in sorrow, and in pain. How arrogant must I be to require I get sufficient self-care before serving?

Even as I write this, Ana Lia is sleeping on the couch where I normally work. A twinge of disappointment appeared when I realized I couldn’t have the customary daily set up that facilitates my writing. Now we are awkwardly cuddled on the small couch while she sleeps and I type. We can both get our needs met with a little creativity. Self-care gospel often preaches that I need to get my needs met at the expense of others. 

Mark 6:30-44 is one of my favorite passages to demonstrate this. Jesus’ disciples had been working so hard that they hadn’t had time to eat. He told them that they could go to a quiet place and get some rest, which must have been incredible news to them. But the people followed. Instead of resting, Jesus told them to feed all the people and then clean up afterwards. In our world, we are told that rest comes first, then service. But there are many times that Jesus calls us to the opposite. In my mind, this sounds like Afa telling me that we can go home and I can have some alone time, but when we arrive, our entire small group is there. I have to cook a meal and clean up after a party. Not only is that a lot of work but I would also be disappointed based on the original expectations. But disappointment and exhaustion did not change the instructions of Jesus.

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will give rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.

Matthew 11:28-30

The message of Jesus is one of freedom and light. The message that we get from the world, and sometimes from the church, is that our worth comes from our work. Our productivity defines us; therefore, we should work incessantly to prove our worth – a doctrine as false as the god of self-care. On the spectrum, I tend to overwork myself seeking the approval of others, and Afa tends to over-rest because work is hard.

Then how do we know what the wise and biblical choices are? How do we know when to rest and when to work? The honest, but admittedly frustrating, answer is: it depends. It takes some examination of our hearts and some conversations with people we trust to lead us back to the Bible. It takes humility to lay out your schedule to other people and ask where it can be improved. Are we spending so much time working that we are going to be burned out and not  useful to anyone? Or are we prioritizing “self-care” to such a great extent that we are not making time to serve those around us?

When I am not sure the best decision for me, Afa is the first person I ask. If he tells me I should be doing something, I know it is important because his greatest instinct is to protect me. I also have wise, godly friends who can help me order my priorities properly. 

I believe one reason that self-care has become such an idol is a response to ingrained American individualism, especially in motherhood. God created us to be tribal creatures. We were designed to need one another, spend time together, and work to support one another. Families lived together and share the burden of raising a family. Now that we live in single family homes and a vast majority of the weight of parenting falls on mothers, there is an overreaction in order to right a wrong. 

However, there are options other than idolizing our self-care and our routines. We need to make friends. We need to build godly relationships that support one another. There was one time that my dearest friend and I spent an entire afternoon cutting meat and vegetables and putting them all in portioned freezer bags so that we had a month’s worth of meals already prepped. Our kids played together for the afternoon, and we got work done while spending time together. Then over the next month, I was always pleasantly surprised when all I had to do was pull a bag out of the freezer and turn the crock pot on.

It is easy to have the pendulum swing too far one way or the other. Placing our worth in only our work will not get us far. Idolizing ourselves over others will have the same impact. It’s imperative to keep the Bible as our standard and then to lean on those around us.