Since we started formal homeschooling lessons, I have been more intentional about how the kids and I spend our days. I had to work, take care of my father-in-law, and lead our lessons throughout the day; so intentionality became much more important. One part of that intentionality is to set blocks of time where the children have nothing scheduled. This allows me to attend to the other items on my list and allows them to enjoy the freedom that boredom engenders. Another part of that intentionality is selecting activities that foster relationships and widen their horizons.

We had opportunities to attend to two of these activities recently. One of my closest friends had a small birthday party for her daughter in the middle of the week, and the San Francisco Opera hosted a free simulcast of the opening of the opera season at Oracle Park, the Giant’s baseball stadium. I wanted my children to attend both of these events, but the problem was that they were both in downtown San Francisco.

Driving is one of my biggest anxiety triggers. Driving in downtown San Francisco is an anxiety trigger on steroids. And these events required driving in downtown San Francisco in afternoon rush hour. I have previously written about learning to handle anxiety in righteous ways (here, here, and here), but it is not always easy. With all the transition we have been through recently, my anxiety levels have been particularly high. I strongly believe there are times when I have to turn down opportunities because I cannot emotionally handle them, and my husband is one of my biggest advocates in these areas. I also knew that the only thing causing me anxiety about these events were not the events themselves but the commute to get there.

I started with the birthday party. It was at 4pm, which is before Afa is even off work; so I would be responsible for driving. Not only would my kid enjoy spending time with their friends and playing at the park, but I would also love fellowshipping and having dinner with my friends. Everything about this sounded exciting. The only hurdle was the drive across the bridge and through the city. Two days before the party, I started game planning how I would handle it. I would leave unnecessarily early to remove the added stress of being late. The party was at a park, so even if we got there before the birthday girl, it would be fine. We were not going to someone’s house. Because I would have all the kids with me, I could take the HOV lanes, which reduced the amount of traffic I had to handle. I would also explain to the kids that this was a high stress time for me, and arguing would make it worse – so I really needed their cooperation on the drive to the park.

As always, my anxiety inflated the threat far beyond reality. The drive there was fast, and the HOV lanes were nearly empty. We arrived 20 minutes early, but that gave us all more time to spend with our friends. It was well worth pushing through the anxiety to make it to an event I knew we would all enjoy.

The reward for overcoming the first time was the opportunity to do it a second time in the same week. This was a harder choice because I didn’t know if we would enjoy the Opera in the Ballpark as much as we enjoyed the birthday party. The kids and I had been doing composer and music studies for about six weeks, so we would have instruments to look out for and conversations about the songs; but I did not know how long that would hold their attention, especially three year old Finiasi. Therefore, this time, I had anxiety about the drive but also about the event itself. With all this bouncing around my head, I had to work my process to figure out if this was worth the time and effort and get there. I wanted to introduce the children to opera, and a free concert on a baseball field seemed like a low risk way to do that. To ensure that the experience was an enjoyable one, I set out some ground rules for myself:

1. We would again leave early to remove the stress of potentially being late.
2. We would meet Afa at his job and let him park the van to remove that source of anxiety.
3. We would have some Berenstain Bears books (Fin’s favorite) and some coloring books so that the kids had somewhere to focus in case the show did not hold their attention.
4. We would buy food at the ballpark as a special treat and as a way to ensure that the kids were fed but also had an activity to focus on before and during the concert.
5. We would leave as soon as it was obvious that the kids were no longer interested. If that was a short time, that was okay. We would keep coming back and slowly build their capacity to watch an entire show.

Each of these practically removed one source of anxiety around going to the show, but it did not disappear completely. I had to be conscious all day of my reactions to little things like loud or repetitive noises because I knew my anxiety was at an elevated level. For instance, Eliam enjoyed banging things repeatedly, like taking a spoon and hitting the table over and over again. He has done it since he was an infant. I think he finds it calming – I find it infuriating, especially on highly anxious days. When he inevitably started banging something loud, I had to be aware enough of what was going on in my mind to breathe and calmly ask him to bring me the spoon instead of losing my mind on the poor five year old who had no idea that I was ready to boil over.

For the whole day, it required moment by moment choosing to be patient, choosing to give my anxiety to Christ, choosing to breathe instead of react. When it was time to leave, I was prepared for the drive, even though my anxiety was still active. We made it all the way to the baseball field, despite the traffic that was much heavier than earlier in the week. Afa parked the van for me, and we headed to the field.

The kids had a fantastic time. Sitting on the field was an incredible experience. There were several other children who attended, and they played tag to the side of the outfield. When the show started, Ana Lia was enthralled. She wanted us to read the translations of the songs to her as the women sang both arias and duets. We talked about what instruments we saw in the orchestra and googled the ones we didn’t recognize. When Afa and I decided it was time to leave around 9pm, the older two both wanted to stay even longer. They had such an amazing experience for their first interaction with the opera.

In each of these situations, I could have given in to my anxiety, and the days would have been fine. I probably would have taken the kids to a park near our house. We would have played, and they would have been normal days. And there are times when that is the better choice. I’m grateful that I have had enough practice in mitigating my anxiety stressors that I was able to overcome and get my kids to both of these special experiences. It takes practice and patience though. Learning how to address you personal triggers to get to a place where the impossible is possible, even when it is still extremely difficult.

To the average person, these fears probably seem ridiculous. It’s just driving. It’s just a bridge. It’s just traffic. But my anxiety disorder makes these small things grow exponentially in size. It then becomes my job to hand them God and allow Him to shrink them back to the correct proportions.