I have seen everything in this meaningless life, including the death of good young people and the long life of wicked people. So don’t be too good or too wise! Why destroy yourself? On the other hand, don’t be too wicked either. Don’t be a fool! Why die before your time? Pay attention to these instructions, for anyone who fears God will avoid both extremes.

Ecclesiastes 7:15-18

Ecclesiastes can be particularly applicable to decisions around “screen time,” watching TV, and technology. Screen time is not inherently evil, and I appreciate the role it plays in different parts of our lives. However, in my experience, it is easy to let unproductive screen time get out of hand quickly. Watching the kids is easier with the TV, and children will learn in almost any environment, including during screen time. But children need time outside, physical activity, and time to be bored. Excessive time in front of screens can rob them of these necessary blocks of time.

For many years, we had two blocks of screen time each day: one in the afternoon to lengthen the lull provided by naps and one in the evening to wind down the day. These times served us well. When we had a nanny, the afternoon block provided a transition between her time with the kids and mine. As the kids got older and aged out of naps, we dropped the afternoon watch time, and now we only do the bedtime one. Eliam almost always falls asleep before Afa and I come to turn it off, and Ana Lia usually needs the room dark and quiet with a story in order to fall asleep. Afa and I use that evening TV time to either meet with friends or connect with one another. Because it still serves a purpose for us we keep it.

We found that having set times of the day for watching can reduce the amount of arguing and begging around TV time. It becomes a limit and routine that everyone expects. When they ask if they can turn the TV on during a time outside the established hours, it’s easy to remind them that they will get to watch when it’s time. Employing Playful Parenting methods, I turn my response into a joke about my not being able to tell time. This usually will get everyone laughing and removes the battle about when they can and cannot watch TV.

We also use screen time outside of our set evening watch times. Ana Lia was in kindergarten this year and used a program called iReady to practice math and reading. To be perfectly honest, she hated it. I would let her and Eliam work on iReady while Finiasi napped. She always felt like it was a punishment, but he was so excited to do it (even though it wasn’t even his program). They also love to take my phone and make videos like ones you might see on YouTube. They walk around the house giving people tours of everything including the toilet and the cutlery drawer in the kitchen. It’s a fun activity that all three of them can do together in the mornings, although I do have to go through my phone daily and delete 25 minutes of videos and 106 pictures. They love to take my and Afa’s phones and look through our camera rolls, and we use YouTube to look up how things work when we don’t know. As Eccelsiastes says, we try to avoid extremes in either direction.

Family movie time is also special at our house. Sometimes this will happen during our set evening watch time, and other times it will be a treat outside of those routines. We all cuddle on the couch and pick a movie that we haven’t seen before. We also have extra watch time when we do book parties. We read a novel, host an evening of games and activities after we finish, and then watch the movie together. These are precious times at our house when I practice the idea that limits and routines are not set in stone – they are flexible to meet the needs of our family on a particular day.

For example, Afa’s dad was in the hospital for over a month. We were coordinating multiple doctors and specialists while trying to organize out of town visits from family. I worked a full time job from home and had the kids all day. At one point, I got off the phone with one of the doctors and went to check on the kids. They had poured green acrylic paint all over the back patio. I sat down and started to cry. At that point, I sent them inside and told them to turn the TV on. I hosed the paint off as best as I could and went inside to finish my work for the day. They watched TV until Afa got home because I was simply out of bandwidth.

There have also been times when they watched much more TV than two hours a day. I started a new job in January 2020. It had been about 3.5 years since I had been in an office five days a week. Because of our childcare schedule, I would get up at 4am, have my quiet time until 5am, and then get to work around 5:45. The culture at Facebook is hyper-social, so not only was I doing an actual job all day but I was also interacting with people constantly. For someone as introverted as I am, pouring myself out in social interactions all day was exhausting. The kids would be so excited to see me when I got home, but I was completely drained. I would lay on the couch and let them sit on top of me so that we were physically close but I didn’t have to do anything.

Things improved in February 2020 when my job relocated to a building about 20 minutes closer to my house, and then life changed completely in March 2020 when the pandemic hit and everyone at my office started working from home full time. But for those few weeks, I have no idea how much TV they watched. We were working our way through a big transition in our lives and I needed to have grace on myself and the kids as we figured things out.

One of the ways we have decreased our screen time is by following the principles of www.1000hoursoutside.com. My goal is always for us to be outside for more hours each day than they are watching TV. Because I’m focused on it, we manage to hit that goal most days. Then there are days we miss it. I try not to let myself become burdened with the weight of a missed day, and then we start over the next day. In order to help us spend more time outside than we normally would, I walk with the kids to almost any errand that is less than two miles from the house. This includes the library and quick runs to the store if we need something for dinner. I plan phone times with friends during the hours I will be at the park so the kids are occupied in a healthy way and I can focus. I also schedule park time the way I schedule TV time to ensure that both blocks in our routine happen. Saturdays before nap time are mostly reserved for family activities outside, including going to the beach, fishing, and hiking.

Technology shouldn’t be the enemy, but it shouldn’t be the best friend either. Avoid all extremes. I don’t think there is a “right” answer to this question. I think that families have to figure out what works for them in the present, understanding that limits and schedules will change as the children grow. Maybe this is a season where you have more flexible time to be outside, and screen time naturally decreases. Maybe you have lost some of your childcare support, and screen time increases. Neither of these are bad or wrong; they are seasons. Employing the idea of avoiding all extremes can help us find the balance right for now.