Stars: ★★★★★ (Study This Book)
Premise
There is a more effective way to parent our children that goes beyond both conventional authoritarian parenting and permissive parenting with no limits: playful parenting. Cohen explains the variety of ways that parents can inject playfulness into their daily lives, using it to set limits with their children while connecting with them at the same time. He walks through how having empty cups can make children (and parents) act out, so it’s important to fill everyone’s cup. It’s also important not to take ourselves seriously. One theme throughout the book is losing one’s dignity as a parent in everyday situations. Be silly; let loose; have fun; relax.
There is also series of very practical chapters with myriad examples of how to measure levels of connection (eye contact and laughter), how to connect with a child who is being aggressive, how to connect with a child who is withdrawn, and how to enter a child’s world so that they can communicate with adults in their language, which is play.
Loved
- Learning to Roughhouse
I loved this chapter because I am usually self-aware enough to know the areas I need to grow in as a mom, but this chapter helped me grow in an area in which I had no idea I was lacking. It discusses the importance of parents roughhousing with their kids and allowing their kids to roughhouse with one another. I have long been a huge supporter of both of these, but the book continued by saying specifically that moms need to join in roughhousing too. I realized that even though I support these activities I was never a participant in them. Cohen lists several specific roughhousing games to help people like me who would have idea where to even start.
The evening after I read this chapter, I got our gymnastics mat and laid it out in front of our couch. I told the kids they could go one at a time and try to get past me onto the couch. It was so much fun, and it was on a rainy day when we had already spent time outside but had another hour to fill before Afa got home. That hour went by so quickly, and like Cohen described in his book I learned so much about responding to my kids different needs. Finiasi wanted to use as much energy as he could. The more I could chase him around, the more he laughed. Eliam wanted to be close. He would pretend to be trying to get past me, but he only cuddled in my lap while it was his turn. Ana Lia wanted to wrestle hard. She didn’t want me taking it easy on her, and she was excited when she made it all the way.
It was great practice following their lead, connecting on their level, and filling their cups. It was also an activity I would never have thought of without this book.
- Empower Girls and Connect with Boys
I loved this chapter because it articulated so many of my personal beliefs about raising boys and girls. Girls may love calmer, more naturally connecting games, but parents need to encourage them to play more active games that teach them to take charge in specific situations and not allow themselves to be pushovers. Boys may tend toward aggressive, war-based games and will need parental guidance toward connection. Both of these are important, but my favorite part of the chapter was his emphasis that as parents we also need to encourage the type of play that they love. Play shooting games with the boys if that’s what they want, but then ask if they should find a medic for the injured. Play Barbies and romance with the girls, if that’s what they enjoy, and teach them about healthy relationships. All children need empowerment and connection, and it is often necessary to provide encouragement in the area the child is naturally weaker in.
Another theme throughout the book is that behavioral issues often stem from powerlessness and isolation. If we as parents focus on empowerment and connection, it breaks down both these barriers. While it can be important to address behavioral concerns head on, it may be more productive and a better use of our limited time, to address the powerlessness and isolation that is leading to the behaviors.
- Play Time
He references Play Time throughout the final half of the book. He recommends an hour but suggests you start at 10-15 minutes if you have never done it before because it can be exhausting. You also don’t have to call it Play Time; you can give it any name you want. It is a specific time set aside where you don’t have your phone or any other distraction, and you let your child decide what they want to do – anything they want to do. They can pick any activity and make up all the rules. The parents’ job is to participate and follow the child’s lead.
This time is a very specific remedy to the issues of powerlessness and isolation. For this limited time, the child has all the power, and considering how little power children have over their own lives on a daily basis, it’s a huge role reversal. It gives them the opportunity to make all the decisions in a safe space. Maybe they want to play games their parents usually hate or find boring or don’t have time for. This time belongs to the child, and they get to make the choices.
It provides a deeper connection than we usually get with our kids. Adults communicate through conversation, but children communicate through play. Providing them uninterrupted Play Time is like sitting down and having a deep conversation with a spouse or a friend. The kids may be able to communicate about how school is going or how their friendships are working without having to verbalize these in a way that adults do. It’s an opportunity to break through the tower of isolation that can be a product of busy lives.
Didn’t Love
How hard all of this is to do – The more I read the book, the more I thought “Wow, this is really time consuming.” In reality, it could very well be time saving, once I practice it often enough. It takes a lot of focus and self-denial when my kids are arguing or when one of them is being whiny and demanding to remember to respond in a playful way instead of mirroring their demanding tone. Play Time is especially draining. I have not figured out a great way to do it with the children individually, so we all do it together for now. As I grow in playful parenting, hopefully it’s a skill I will master. Playing games that I find boring is challenging. I think that if I’m deigning to play with my kids, they should be grateful enough to play a game I like. The suggestions in this book is often the exact opposite of my natural response, so it takes substantial effort to put them into practice.
Lessons Learned
- Playing games that my children love but I hate is a great way to allow them to communicate with me.
- Eye contact and laughter are excellent measuring tools of how our day is going.
- All kids struggle with powerlessness and isolation at some point, and there is a playful, edifying way to address these.
- There is a more effective way to set limits than yelling all the time.