In our household, there are a lot of small things that cause small irritations, and those small irritations can become big fights if they are ignored or dismissed for too long. Afa is a modern-day MacGyver and can rig up almost anything to fix broken items around our home. Watching him do this over the course of several years has taught me to be creative in looking for solutions for problems instead of melting down when life isn’t working. To my surprise, he does a lot of this rigging with zip ties. He uses them to fasten down any cords or stray cables, secure our furniture to the wall, keep the water filter from falling off the faucet. He fixes so many little things with zip ties that I have taken to calling solutions to other small things “zip tie solutions.”
For example, when Afa’s parents first moved in with us, we had a difference of opinion in how warm (read: blazing hot) it should be in the apartment. They are Pacific Islanders who lived most of their life in Southern California, so they considered the winters of San Francisco pretty intense and preferred the thermostat set at 80 degrees. Having lived in DC and Denver, the winters of San Francisco don’t even qualify as winter in my mind, so 68 or 70 seemed more than sufficient, and I thought people could put on a hoodie if it was a little chilly. Again, these are small issues that can become big fights if they are not handled.
Our apartment had a single heating unit at the time, and we set the furniture up in the living room in a very traditional way that maximized space and movement. It soon became clear that the furniture set up was making the temperature issue worse. The couch the kids and I sat on was closest to the heater, and the recliner that my father-in-law used was farthest from it. I felt overheated all the time, and Grandpa couldn’t get warm. After a few days of everyone being miserable we found our zip tie solution: switch all the furniture so that people could regulate their own temperature more easily. We put Grandpa’s recliner right beside the heater and moved the couch beside the patio door so that I could get cool air when it got too hot in the living room.
The problem was that this furniture arrangement was visually all out of place. Putting the recliner by the heater created an empty corner that we couldn’t use for much of anything, and the couch beside the door blocked half the walkway from the living room into the kitchen. It looked ridiculous to the casual observer, which I have found to be a feature (rather than a bug) of our zip tie solutions. To other people, they don’t make a lot of sense, but for our family, they work perfectly and solve an issue that could easily become a consistent fight. So one of the things I have had to learn is that the best decisions we can make are the ones that work for our family, and the best decisions other people can make are the ones that are best for their family. These will often look completely different, and that’s not only okay – it’s a good thing.
Another example comes from our sleeping arrangements. When our kids were newborns, they slept in a play pen next to our bed, and when they were around six months old, usually started sleeping in our bed. This worked great for Ana Lia, but when Eliam was old enough to sleep some night with us, it started causing problems. Afa and I couldn’t figure out a way to keep all four people covered with blankets through the night without constantly battling over where the blanket was. Zip tie solution: give everyone their own blanket. More precisely, Eliam and I got a blanket so he and I could manage all the night time feedings, and Afa and Ana Lia shared a blanket so they could be cozy without being disturbed every time I was in and out of the bed through the night. Such a simple solution immediately solved so many of our sleeping issues. Even now, we keep multiple blankets on the bed so that everyone gets a better night’s rest.
A third example comes from the kids’ journey to learn to read. Almost a year ago, Ana Lia asked several times if I would teach her how to read. I bought the book Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons, and we did lessons for about three days during which she quickly decided that she didn’t like it at all. Zip tie solution: shelve the book until she was ready. It’s important to me that the kids find enjoyment in reading, in books, and in stories, which is why I am determined not to ever make reading a battle. In traditional school, reading early is imperative because it is the best way to deliver information to large groups of children at once. My kids won’t be in traditional school, so there are a variety of ways that they can glean information other than reading independently. So there was no rush to read. She would learn when she was ready.
About a month ago, Eliam asked if he could learn to read. I started the same book with him, and when we sat down, Ana Lia wanted to join as well. I didn’t make her, and on days that she doesn’t want to do it, she doesn’t have to. It’s a fun bonding time in the evening when Afa takes Fin so that I can focus. We all enjoy it, which is the way I want reading to be. There is a short writing task at the end of every lesson, so I drew lines on the paper so Eliam and Ana Lia could write their letters. It became clear that Ana Lia had a very hard time focusing if I filled the entire page with lines because she couldn’t draw anywhere. Zip tie solution: leave the bottom half of Ana Lia’s page blank so that she could doodle while we talked. There are so many examples of children getting in trouble because they draw while the teacher is talking, but I have learned from my creative friends that it actually helps some people focus. If I leave the space open, both physically and mentally (without punishing her for the creative outlet she needs), reading continues to be something that draws us together instead of a source of strife.
What I have found to be the most important lesson around zip tie solutions is that they aren’t always going to look elegant, much like the furniture. When Afa used a red zip tie to fasten the white water filter to the silver faucet on the sink, it was visually jarring, but it is an effective way to keep the filter from getting broken repeatedly as the kids pull on it to move the faucet. There may be areas that need a zip tie solution that aren’t going to make sense to people looking in, and again: that is okay. People have STRONG opinions on parenting and child rearing, and they often think it’s their right to push those opinions on others. There are so many areas that you have to figure out what works for your family and do it, no matter what the conventional wisdom says or what your friends say.
It’s also important to keep this in mind when giving parenting advice. I generally try to frame parenting advice, when solicited, as “here is what worked for us in this very specific situation. Maybe something like that could work for you.” Every family is different. Every child is different. The “perfect” zip tie solution in my house could be a disaster in another house. When you run up against a small problem that is causing irritations, be creative to find what works in your family and encourage others to do the same.