Here is a trustworthy saying: Whoever aspires to be an overseer desires a noble task. Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?) He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil. He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil’s trap.

1 Timothy 3:1-7

On September 30, 2018, Afa and I were appointed as shepherds in the church. The appointment came as a surprise to us, and it has been an incredible privilege…and an incredible learning opportunity. One of the questions I regularly get these days is “What does it look like to be a shepherd? What do you have to do?” My answer has always been along the lines of “Be a disciple. Have people in your home: feed them, love them, disciple them. And sometimes you get the more difficult situations.” 

I thought it would be good to write out a more complete answer, although this is certainly not exhaustive. For us, shepherding has been about taking care of disciples, making sure their needs are met, and praying for them as they face their own daily battles. I have found that much of what disciples need can be categorized into three topics: tenacity, time, and trust. In my experience, everyone needs some of each of these but trend toward needing one more than the others. As people grow and change, their needs will too; so it is important to stay in touch with where disciples are on their journeys to meet the present needs. 

Tenacity

the quality or fact of being able to grip something firmly; grip.
the quality or fact of being very determined; determination.
the quality or fact of continuing to exist; persistence.

Oxford English Dictionary, https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/tenacity

There will always be disciples who need your willingness and ability to hold onto them firmly, be very determined, and persist in loving them despite the difficulties. Disciples who are proud and rebellious need your love too, even when they don’t want to listen. I know because at one point that was me. I thought I was always right, that I didn’t need help, and that my ideas were better than anyone else’s. I’m so grateful for the ministry couple who discipled me at the time. They were so patient and so direct in their discipling. They loved me through my sin, and I was really hard to love at the time. There will be times our tenacity is needed for disciples who are very hard to love.

Be merciful to those who doubt; save others by snatching them from the fire; to others show mercy, mixed with fear—hating even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh.

Jude 23-24

Another time that disciples require our tenacity is when their faith is low, and they are considering walking away. Jude tells us that we have to save others by snatching them from the fire. If you snatch anything from a fire, you are going to get burned. There will probably be scars. We need to be prepared for this because we are fighting a spiritual battle. Disciples do and say hurtful things, especially when they are in pain. Double down in your tenacity and show them the love of Christ. In the end, they have to make the decision as to whether they stay faithful, but it is our job to ensure that we have done everything we can to love and disciple them until they make that decision.

Time

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling.

1 Peter 4:8-9

There are some people who need your time. For those of us with very full lives, this can be even more costly than our tenacity. I am accustomed to working hard and giving my whole heart. Giving tenacity can make me feel like I have fought the spiritual battle for the day. However, giving someone my time can almost feel like a waste when so much of our lives are measured by our productivity. There aren’t metrics for having people over to your house and feeding them dinner or for visiting their house and simply chatting through their day. These can be meals or phone calls, but it is so necessary to set aside the time.

One of my dearest friends is a fabulous cook, and she loves to have people over to cook for them. I love to eat food that other people cook, so this works out well for both of us! However, for me, I have to be proactive about setting up times to see her and working out childcare, especially during quarantine – it just takes a little more planning. And it takes some sacrifice. In my heart, there are times when I want to disappear and be alone during the time that I have childcare. (Doing this sometimes is NECESSARY. You cannot fill others’ cups if yours is empty.) But, I have time set aside every morning that is for me. These times need to be for others, time to build friendships and get to know other people.

There are disciples who will always need my time, but I think this can be most important for people who are new additions to the region. They have no idea that they have a shepherding resource if I don’t reach out and set up times to spend with them. When we had a new couple move to our region near the beginning of quarantine, we made an intentional effort to have them over and have socially distanced dinner together outdoors and include their children in all the activities. Transitions can be hard on anyone. Building these friendships takes time but is imperative for seeking the Kingdom first.

It’s also important for new moms, especially after the first few weeks are over. The first few weeks home from the hospital are a huge adjustment period and having visitors can be overwhelming. There is usually a meal train for them, so people are already meeting some of their needs. A month or two after the baby is born, they don’t have as much support as they did immediately after the baby is born…so making time to go visit in those months needs to be a high priority.

Trust

And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable people who will also be qualified to teach others.

2 Timothy 2:2

Others will need more of your trust, and as 2 Timothy tells us, these need to be reliable people. The best thing about the women who need your trust is that they can act as force multipliers for your efforts. If your schedule is full, but you know there is a sister who needs a visit that week, ask someone else to go have dinner with her or to host her for dinner. This helps people build relationships with even more disciples. If there is a new mom who needs support, assign someone else to go hold the baby long enough for new mama to get a shower and maybe a nap. There’s no way for one person to meet all of the needs, so we have to give the reliable women in our ministry an opportunity to be useful – an opportunity we steal if we are trying to do everything, which is also a quick way for us to get burned out.

Situations that require tenacity take more discernment in delegation. You don’t want to hurt someone’s faith because a bitter disciple spews spiritual acid all over them, and the harder conversations take practice and training. Bring reliable women to these conversations to teach them how to speak the truth in love. Let other women lead Bible studies while you are there so that they can learn to lead them alone. And always follow up these training times with a debrief about how they went so that the women can continue to mature. 

All these things require knowing the women in your ministry and knowing the needs in your ministry. Your relationships have to be deep enough that you know who is reliable and know who needs your direct support rather than using your force multipliers. Deep relationships come through studying the Bible together, fun fellowship when times are not serious, and listening carefully when people talk. It also comes with getting lots of advice from ministry leaders about how to best use your time. These are certainly not decisions I am comfortable making alone. Christianity is a team sport, and we will be vastly more successful working together.