Fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult.

Proverbs 12:16

Ana Lia: Who is watching us today?
Me: I am.
Ana Lia: But you hate watching us.

This exchange happened when my youngest was about 8 months old, crawling all over the place, and my older two were 3 and 4. As soon as she said it, my heart sank, and I started to cry. I didn’t hate watching them, but I could definitely understand how that’s the message she was picking up. I let every little thing the kids do annoy me, and I certainly let my annoyance show at once. I was easily angered, and Fin required constant supervision, as children do at that age. The other two also did developmentally normal things for toddlers/preschoolers, and I lost my temper frequently over stupid things. I remember every detail about this conversation; it became my catalyst for repentance.

Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city.

Provers 16:32

The first step for me was walking in the light. I called a good friend and confessed exactly where I was with my kids, my anger, and my anxiety. The second step was figuring out exactly what the Bible had to say about it. Spoiler alert: the Bible says a LOT about uncontrolled anger. I wrote 15 verses on index cards and put them on the walls around my house where I spent the most time. I read and re-read them every day. It was a slow process to change, but every day I was intentional about choosing better words, choosing to breathe before I spoke, choosing righteousness over self-indulgence.

In the last 18 months, I have become a completely different mom, and I’m so grateful for the power of God in our lives. I’m going to share 4 practical steps that helped me learn to parent from joy.

1. I stopped drinking caffeine.

This one might seem totally unrelated to the subject at hand, but I cannot emphasize enough what kind of impact caffeine had on my parenting. For about seven years as a child, my mom did not consume caffeine, sugar, or white flour. When people asked her why, she often responded “It makes me a better mom.” I’m similar to my mother in so many ways, that I figured if it worked for her, it was worth trying for me too.

In all honesty, I hate being touched, and for anyone who has spent more than 20 seconds around children, especially if those children happen to be your own, that can be a huge problem. Small children have no concept of personal space and want to be all over you all the time. What I eventually figured out by trial and error was that my sensitivity to touch escalated when I drank caffeine. My anger and irritation were much worse. I am much calmer and able to handle daily life without caffeine. 

When my children have a hard night, I may have to take a nap during the day if I’m not drinking caffeine. I might let them watch extra TV and sit around me while I sleep on the couch or ask my in-laws to watch them so I can rest. Figuring out these logistics is well worth the additional emotional bandwidth I get by not drinking it. 

2. I started running.

I started running again about 7 months ago, and I did not realize how much it was going to improve my mental health and my parenting. As my strength and endurance increased, I was able to play with the kids a lot more in the afternoons. Before that I would mostly sit down and watch them ride their bikes and play with one another. After I started running, I got tired earlier in the evenings, so I had to go to bed when the kids did, but again, that was mostly working through logistical challenges. 

I also found that running benefitted my quiet times, which always benefits my parenting. If I have great times with God, it makes the rest of the day better. I run before I have my quiet times, and it gets out my anxious energy that used to make it hard to focus on reading the Bible and praying.

3. I read Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen

I highly recommend this book for anyone taking parenting too seriously (*raises hand*). Some of the major themes of the book are connecting with your children through play and using play and a playful mindset to de-escalate situations with your children instead of letting your emotional responses further escalate them.

The one concept that I use almost daily now is the idea of learning what kind of love cups my kids have and how to fill them up. If I keep this image in my mind, it gives me more patience when they are requesting me to fill their cups, and if I keep their love cups filled up, they are more cooperative, and there are fewer opportunities for me to lose my temper. 

For example, Ana Lia has a leaky cup. She needs her cup filled up constantly. She seeks verbal reassurance that she is doing a good job or that I like her art work. She wants to hold my hand, sit on my lap, cuddle, do art, and touch me throughout the day because her cup leaks all day. Eliam needs his cup filled completely 2-3 times a day, and then he is good to be by himself the rest of the time. He wants to sit on my lap for about 10 minutes when he first gets up in the morning, and then he needs a really long hug when I’m done working for the day, and he wants to cuddle as he goes to sleep. Fin is a different story altogether. At two and a half, I haven’t quite figured him out yet. I think he smashes his whole cup a few times a day and we spend the rest of the day trying to put it back together, lol. 

4. I started doing what I enjoyed with the kids and letting go of the rest.

This concept comes from Avital at The Parenting Junkie. The idea is to “do what you do well, and do it well.” One of the things that I enjoy doing the most and that I enjoy is planning activities for the kids. We love to make elaborate airplanes out of Amazon boxes and do “science experiments” with baking soda and vinegar or even just dirt and water. I love to plan the activities and do them and take pictures. For me, it is fun, bonding, and it makes the days go by faster. So I have activities for us to do all the time.

There have been times when Afa has had the kids for several hours together, and I will leave two or three activities for him to do because I thought it would help. When I arrived back home and asked if they did the activities, he would just laugh. He didn’t need activities to spend time with the kids. He plays with them without a plan and has a great time. So this will look different for every parent and maybe every kid.

One of the things that I am really bad at and that I don’t enjoy (that’s pretty imperative for raising kids) is cooking. I like baking with the kids, but I would categorize this as an activity. The hours from 4pm-6pm are generally my most challenging time of the day. The kids get a second wind; I have been at work all day; and Afa is not home yet. Trying to cook a full meal while the kids are bouncing off the walls and I’m already tired is very hard for me. My solution: SIMPLIFY. I meal plan on Sundays for the nights that we will have to eat a full meal, and if that’s my responsibility, it almost always comes from a crock pot. If there aren’t other adults eating dinner, I feed my kids avocado and blueberries or cheese and apples. I’m not exaggerating. That’s dinner. And I will put a blanket outside or in the garage and call it a “picnic.” The kids think it’s loads of fun. I removed a huge source of stress from the evening, and everyone still got sustenance to make it to the next day.

Another thing I don’t particularly enjoy is laundry. I have a bad habit of not doing the laundry until absolutely necessary, so by the time I need to fold it, it takes about two hours. I have a podcast that I love, and my rule is that I’m only allowed to listen to it while I fold the laundry. It makes the time more pleasant, and I give myself a small reward for doing the things I don’t enjoy.

For most other things that I don’t enjoy or that I’m not good at when it comes to parenting, I don’t do it. None of the rooms in my house are “properly” decorated. It’s not important to me or my husband, so most of our walls are blank. I don’t care what my kids wear, even if it seems completely unmatched to the weather. It’s not a battle I’m willing to fight. I don’t plan elaborate birthday parties. We don’t buy lots of birthday or Christmas presents. These are things that I have to let go, even when I see pictures of other moms on social media going all out and I can feel pressure to do the same. 

Yours will look different. Maybe you thrive in beautifully decorated rooms. Go for it! Figure out what you do well and what you enjoy. Then do those things, and share those things with your kids. You will be able to parent from a place of joy when you are choosing to put time and energy into the things that bring you joy instead of the unnecessary drudgery that you do because you think you are “supposed to.”