Say to those who have an anxious heart, ‘Be strong; fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God. He will come and save you.

Isaiah 35:4

As I’ve shared before (here) and (here), anxiety is a daily fact of life for me, and I love this Scripture because it feels like it was written directly to me. I have developed a process to work through the overwhelming thoughts, but it’s always lurking right around the edges of my mind. If someone asks me a question at work I wasn’t expecting, it quickly invades. Or if I think I have done something wrong or that someone is disappointed in me. The volume levels are nowhere near where they were a few years ago, but it’s likely something that will never fully go away. It’s a battle I’ll always have to fight and surrender to God. 

Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times in every way. The Lord be with you all.

Proverbs 12:25

One day my mom called me while we were in the van, and Afa was driving. As soon as I answered the phone, I knew something was wrong. She sounded on the verge of tears. I tend to assume the worst of any situation until I know better, so I had all sorts of horrible scenarios running through my mind. Was my dad in the hospital? Was my nephew sick again? My thoughts were racing. And she started in on a long story about how…*wait for it* she painted the wall the wrong color.

I don’t have any sense of decorating, and I haven’t painted a wall since I moved out of my parents’ house. In my mind, this was something to laugh at, not cry about. The wall is the wrong color: that’s hilarious! I have more compassion (and more sense) than to laugh when my mom was obviously distraught, but I couldn’t wrap my mind around why she was so upset. I listened patiently and let her tell the whole story and explain in detail how the paints were different colors. I acknowledged how upset she was and then told her “Mama, no one is dying. The world is not ending. I’m sure we can find a solution to the fact that the wall is the wrong color.”

One of my go-to tools for handling anxiety is to think about what’s the worst that could happen, and to me, there were literally no further consequences to this. I couldn’t even think of a “worst.” This was all. 

In the seat next to me, Afa smiled a knowing smile. He recognized this for what it was: me giving advice to my mom that I rarely applied to my own life.

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

Matthew 7:3

I’m sure you can see where this is going, but I shall finish the story anyway. We were not very far into quarantine at this point. Afa and I coordinate children’s ministry for our church, and we hadn’t figured out how to do that in virtual services. In the third iteration of our efforts, we were trying to get people in multiple cities to make segments of a longer video that the children could watch while their parents participated in service. It had passed the due date for the shorter videos so they could be edited together, and we only had three out of seven. The other four people were not going to be able to send their in at all. I went into full meltdown mode. I looked a lot like my two year old. Tears, sniffly breathing, the whole nine yards. I was a mess.

Enter, my wonderful husband, using my words from the previous day: “Love, no one is dying. The world is not ending. I’m sure we can find a solution.”

I stopped mid-meltdown, mouth agape, and realized how much my mom and I are exactly alike – and how I had allowed my anxiety to completely overrun my mind. I took several deep breaths and considered what I was anxious about and what was the worst that could happen. I was anxious because our church leaders asked us to make a children’s ministry video the length of service, about 70 minutes at the time. We were going to end up with a video that was less than 30 minutes. In my mind, that translated into two things that are hard for me to accept: failure and disappointing someone else. We were coordinating these videos among eight churches, so in my mind, all of those people would know I was a failure. Maybe they would think I was a bad children’s ministry coordinator (gasp!). Maybe they would think I was disorganized (double gasp!). As I calmed down, returned to reality, and worked my counter-anxiety process, I realized that my meltdown was entirely about what other people thought of me. It wasn’t even about whether or not the kids had a great, Bible-based video to watch. It was only people-pleasing.

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Galatians 1:10

So we can confidently say, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?’

Hebrews 13:6

In all honesty, I had done my very best to get this video together, and I started out with righteous intentions and righteous plans, but I had gotten so wrapped up in focusing on other people that I was sitting on my floor crying because it was not what everyone expected. I let anxiety make my problem massive, rather than letting the Lord be my helper. 

And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?

Matthew 6:27

Every time I read this Scripture, I am convicted about how much time I allow worry and anxiety to steal from me and my family. Jesus tells us here that worry cannot add a single hour to our lives. I don’t remember exactly where the kids were at this moment, but if they didn’t happen to see this meltdown, I know they have seen others. Not only is it my responsibility to maintain my mental health by making righteous choices, but it is also my responsibility to demonstrate to them healthy ways to process anxiety. And to remember that these small hills are not the mountains that my anxiety makes them appear to be. 

Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times in every way. The Lord be with you all.

2 Thessalonians 3:16