I was pregnant or nursing from June 2014 to October 2020.. It was an incredible privilege, but one that I was grateful ended when it did. Having nursed and weaned all three kids on different schedules, I want to share some lessons learned. No two journeys will look alike, but maybe this can help you overcome a few roadblocks on yours.

Ana Lia was 15 months old when Eliam was born, and she was not anywhere near done nursing. I appreciated the time with her, and she needed the connection; so we tandem nursed after Eliam was born. When she turned 2, Afa wanted me to stop nursing her, but I was on an emotional roller coaster, especially about how to do that when Eliam was still nursing. We sought advice from some good friends, and they showed us what the Bible had to say. I love that the Bible can answer literally any problem in your life. I learned three important things.

1. Weaning is a conversation between parents. You can make the decision about when and how.

When her husband Elkanah went up with all his family to offer the annual sacrifice to the Lord and to fulfill his vow, Hannah did not go. She said to her husband, “After the boy is weaned, I will take him and present him before the Lord, and he will live there always.”

“Do what seems best to you,” her husband Elkanah told her. “Stay here until you have weaned him; only may the Lord make good his word.” So the woman stayed at home and nursed her son until she had weaned him.

1 Samuel 1:21-25

Here we see Elkanah and Hannah discussing the weaning of Samuel, and in the beginning they had a difference of opinion. Elkanah allowed Hannah to make the decision. Weaning should be a conversation between you and your husband. Weaning can be really hard on the baby, and in my experience the really hard parts last about a week. Anything that could throw your house into chaos for a week definitely warrants a conversation. If you follow or listen to any attachment parenting, there is an idea that you have to nurse until the child says they are done, but here the Bible gives us an example of these parents making the decision together. 

For me, night nursing was more disruptive to my life than day nursing. I have had a full time job for all of our marriage, and nursing the babies multiple times a night then waking up early for work was exhausting and overwhelming. Therefore, night weaning happened first for all the kids. It was easier with Ana Lia because Eliam was always a good sleeper, and Afa worked nights. I could night wean her without causing huge disruptions for other people. There are some good suggestions online about offering water in place of nursing and other things, but none of those worked of us. She was so angry I wouldn’t nurse her that she threw the sippy cup at the wall as hard as she could. She was awake screaming all night long. It took about three INTENSE nights of offering cuddles instead of nursing and then four more nights of whimpering and general discomfort. In about a week, we were both sleeping all night long, and it made a huge difference in my ability to function as a human.

With Fin, the process looked similar, except it was more stressful because we lived in a household full of people who all wanted to know why he was screaming all night long. (Also possible that our neighbors heard, but thankfully no one said anything.) It took the same three awful nights and then four hard ones to finish the process, but it was worth it both times to me. I could keep nursing the kids during the day, but I got to sleep much more at night. When preparing to wean, I would advise that you talk through it with your husband, like Hannah did, and then prepare yourself for a challenging week. Know that the baby is going to be angry and sad, maybe wanting Daddy a lot more, maybe even more clingy to you. But have lots of grace and patience because this is a huge transition for them.

Like I mentioned, Afa asked me to wean Ana Lia when she turned two. We got advice about it, and my husband asked me to, but to be honest, I didn’t listen. I made some half-hearted efforts, but I was in a very challenging period in life. Nursing gave me quiet time with both the kids, and I didn’t have the strength to face the emotional challenges that went with it. We were in the middle of a move from Denver, Colorado, to San Francisco, California, and trying to wean felt like it was just too much. This decision, like all decisions, had consequences, and it likely would have been easier later if I had listened to my husband when he asked me to wean in Colorado.

2. A weaned child is a content child.

But I have calmed and quieted myself, I am like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child I am content.

Psalm 131:2

Here the psalmist provides an image of a weaned child in his mother’s lap, calm, quiet….and content. Discontent is a great word for a child who wants to nurse but is not able to immediately. He will pull his mother’s clothes, trying to get access any way he can, following that with screaming at the top of his lungs if he is denied. It’s such an accurate picture, at least for us, to the contrast of the contentment of a weaned child.

A year and a half later, Afa put his foot down. I was three months pregnant with Fin. I never did pregnancy very well, but this one was particularly challenging. I threw up multiple times a day, every day. There were days when I threw up every time I sat up. Because I hadn’t followed my husband’s instructions earlier, I was nursing both of the older kids while I was pregnant and sick. We were both working full time, and in the afternoons I would pick the kids up from day care and Afa up from the BART station. When we got home both kids would want to nurse immediately. Eliam was always allowed to go first because he nursed for a shorter time, and then Ana Lia, who was 3.5 at this point, would nurse for 30-45 minutes. Afa would be getting dinner ready, and I would frequently have to stop nursing to throw up, and then sit down and start again. I remember him looking at me one day and saying, “This is not good. This is not good for you or for the new baby. You need to stop. Today.”

He was right, and I stopped nursing that day. Again, we replaced nursing with cuddles, which Eliam was happy to accept in a few days. Ana Lia was harder, and she went to her dad whenever she was upset, but again, it took us about a week to get settled in a new routine without nursing.

3. Weaning is a time for celebration.

Abraham was a hundred years old when his son Isaac was born to him. And Sarah said, “God has made laughter for me; everyone who hears will laugh over me.” And she said, “Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age.” And the child grew and was weaned. And Abraham made a great feast on the day that Isaac was weaned.

Genesis 21:5-8

When Sarah weaned Isaac, they threw a party! It was a time of celebration. Sometimes, our kids’ life milestones can induce nostalgia and sadness, but this was a time to celebrate. 

“Mommy, CUDDLE!”

That’s when I knew our family was finally done with nursing. For the previous week, I had been day weaning Fin, our final step in this long journey. His first words every morning (and multiple subsequent times through the day) were usually “Mommy, NURSE!” Each time he asked that week, I calmly reminded him that we were not nursing anymore but that we could cuddle. There were times this led to massive tantrums. Other times he would find his dad or his grandma. The week was hard, but consistency was key. If I could stick to the plan – we cannot nurse, but we can cuddle – I knew we would get through the week successfully. And his first words on Friday morning showed the fruit of our labor. I was so happy that I was ready to throw a party! After 6.5 years, I was done with pregnancy and nursing…onto a new stage with my three littles.

Nursing, bottle feeding, weaning. It can all be controversial, for reasons beyond my understanding. This is my story, which I hope gives you the sense that at least someone can relate. Your story will look completely different. Your story with each baby may look completely different than the other kids. As long as you are making righteous choices as a married couple, there is not a wrong way to do this. Just remember, the Bible always has the answer.