Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 

1 Peter 5:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

Anxiety. It is a state of mind I have lived in for as long as I can remember, and the Bible has a lot to say about it. The Scriptures above are two that I recite to myself almost every day. In the previous post, I described the process that works for me in learning to take captive my thoughts, which has made a huge difference in obeying the command to give my anxieties to Christ. In this one I want to share about a time where I was unable to do that despite prayers and petitions. These stories are a part of my pregnancies that I don’t talk about often. It can be embarrassing and put me on the defensive, which is why I should share them even more often.

I know many women who enjoy pregnancy. My mom is one of them, and because I’m like my mom in so many ways, I expected my pregnancies to breeze by in an aura of effortlessness and joy. Oh, unfulfilled expectations! Although I also know many women who had pregnancies much harder than mine, pregnancy was not a season I enjoyed very much. I threw up every day for the majority of all three pregnancies, and my anxiety became severe. During each pregnancy, I would have anxiety attacks while we were shopping because it felt like there were too many people in the store. I would feel claustrophobic, a sensation I had never experienced; the walls of the stores would feel like they were getting smaller, and in my mind there were so many people I didn’t know how we were going to fit. When I was in a vehicle, especially when I was driving, if I had to change lanes or make a left turn, I would see images in my mind of horrible car accidents where everyone burned to death. We lived in Denver during my first two pregnancies, and the weather in Denver is absolutely dreadful. Driving in hail, rain, or snow only made my anxiety that much more intense. I would feel sad for days at a time with no reason to be sad. In fact, I had every reason in the world to be happy, but I could not “logic” my way out of my sadness or my worry.

I went to the doctor during my first pregnancy because I knew something was wrong, but I did not know what it was. I went because I thought I was depressed. The doctor asked me a whole series of screening questions and told me that he thought I was anxious, not depressed, and that diagnosis made complete sense to me. I went home to talk to my husband about our options, and he told me that pills don’t heal a broken soul. He did not say this to harm me but to protect me. He and I came from very different backgrounds, and the addiction struggles in his past made him leery of medications in general. Hindsight is often 20/20, and I think that the rest of my pregnancy would have gone much more smoothly if I had chosen to start on anxiety medication then, but as a team we decided that we would work through it the best we could to see if it went away after the baby came.

As any mom will tell you, life does NOT get easier when the baby comes, but I enjoyed my newborn far more than I had enjoyed pregnancy, and there was a noticeable difference in my moods and emotions. Just as I was pulling through the postpartum period, I found out I was pregnant for the second time, and we started the cycle over again. I had a new doctor, and when I told her I was experiencing the same mental health symptoms as I had in my first pregnancy, she recommended a medication that addressed anxiety with no anti-depressant in it. I went home and discussed it with my husband for the second time. We decided that I should use it for a month to see if it made any difference. I’m so grateful I did! I was able to drive without having anxiety attacks, and I could go shopping when I needed to without leaving a cart full of stuff in the aisle because I had to leave immediately. It gave me the ability to get through the rest of my pregnancy in a calmer, more stable emotional space.

Looking back, I can see that pregnancy altered my hormones so much that my brain chemistry needed help. If I had been diagnosed with gestational diabetes, I would have prayed that God heal me, but I still would have taken the insulin I needed for me and the baby. I treated my anxiety disorder the same way. I prayed about it every day, and I also took the medication. Because my anxiety disorder was specifically related to my pregnancies, I would stop taking the medications soon after birth.

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

1 John 1:7

I’m sharing my story, not as a prescription of what you should do, but as an example of a time where I needed medical help to treat a mental health problem. As a disciple, it can be taboo to discuss the need for mental health medications, but that can make it even more important to share these stories. Walking in the light is far more inclusive than confessing sin. My suggestion, as someone who has been there, talk to people you trust when you have an anxiety attack. Tell your spouse. Tell your discipler.  Talk to a friend who has been through something similar. Knowing others have been there and that you have support makes a world of difference.

Additionally, when you have thoughts like “there is something wrong with me” or “this is not right,” go see a doctor. I don’t think medication is the go-to treatment plan, even if you have a mental health diagnosis, but consultation with a doctor can be very enlightening and can provide options. And then, if you decide that the medication is right for you, even for just a season, fight any sense of shame that you may have. And again, be open about those feelings to people you trust. I find my thoughts have much more power over me when I keep them hidden. You would take a medication to deal with a problem in another organ so view the medication to take care of a problem in your brain the same way.