A Plan to Handle Loneliness in a Godly Way by Camille Svenkeson

As wives, we have the awesome roles of being suitable helpers to our husbands and caretakers of our children. Along with this incredible blessing comes our own set of challenges, including loneliness and feeling like we are missing out on all the fun.

During my discipleship, I’ve often felt like the odd-woman out. For example, while all my closest friends were interns on campus, I was the nanny. When the church was younger, Elliott and I were the only dating couple…then engaged couple…and, of course, young newlywed. I felt this all the more as the only one of my closest friends with a kid. At times I felt so lonely that I even got resentful of what I have…thoughts, such as “If I didn’t have a baby so early, then I would be able to go to all the events and parties (weekend trips, birthday parties, etc.” Or “If we were still single, then we could afford events like the GLC, because hotel costs would be split by 6 people.” Let’s be real…Satan gets in there. Thus, we really have to work hard to keep him out. I really have to work to train my mind to be godly, or else I just sit in my sin. We would never let our kids just sit in their dirty diaper. In the same way, we need to change it – the dirty diaper and our minds!

Here are the mind changes I made as a young mom and some of my favorite “best practices”:

And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Colossians 3:14

L – Love Your Role & Your Life

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God,which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:4-7

Just be grateful! We have an incredible role as a wife most single sisters struggle to have, and we have an incredible role as moms which not all women can carry. When we know that ingratitude, loneliness, and anxiety are creeping (or crashing) their way into our hearts, go to God in prayer. Let Him know how we are feeling and what we are thinking. Be honest, be vulnerable, and then allow His peace to overtake all the others.

O – Offer Yourself As Sacrifice

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very natureGod, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very natureof a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!

Philippians 2:4-8

Quite frankly, this is the one I struggle with the most, because I’m selfish and fearful. Selfish, because I put myself first. Fearful, because I allow hurts from the past to be on this “protect thyself mode.” So, when it comes to many aspects in our marriage I have to deny myself to not be first. Observe Christ’s humility in this passage. He was so humble and put himself last so much that he didn’t even grasp his divinity. How much more do we need to put our husbands first? This doesn’t mean you have to eliminate your need for relationships, but it does mean to put his needs before yours. (Yes…I struggled writing that last sentence.) We need to make every effort to help our husbands be confident, and some of that is found in their relationships with other men.

• Practical Applications: 
  • Set-up more double dates without the kids. 
  • Reach out to brothers to reach out to your husband (it’s amazing how a quick text can help fix a long-term problem). For example, when Elliott became a dad I texted his old discipler, who is also a young dad, to reach out to him and help him be okay with not knowing everything. 
  • Get on the same page with each of you getting time to go out with “the guys” or “the girls.” Set something up with sisters during Men’s Midweek. 
  • Help your husband by setting up dates, family times, etc. (with his permission, of course) 
  • Create double dates, group dates, combine family time, etc. Trust me, other young couples and families need it, too.

V – Vulnerably Voice Your Heart

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

1 John 1:5-7

We have to be open and honest! When we allow these thoughts and feelings to fester, they can harden our hearts and become bitterness that defiles others ( Hebrews 12:15). First, be open with your husband. Let him know the situations that make you feel lonely and talk about possible solutions with him. Second, be open with your sisters. They likely don’t realize you are lonely. They can pray with you, give you Scriptures, and then offer some solutions as well.

If we choose not to be open with the people around us, we are choosing to walk in the darkness, often in the name of “handling it” or “pushing through.” The prideful belief that we can manage without telling anyone our struggles is a guaranteed road to lead us away from God.

E – Engage Others

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

Titus 2:3-5

Eliminate this idea that you have to do everything. God created tribalism and the structure of the Tabernacle and camps because He knows we need it. Sadly we live in an individualistic society that thrives on this modern-mom concept of a woman being a wonder-mom, career-women, and supermodel all at the same time.

As an “older women” (older spiritually, not necessarily physically), we have this awesome role of teaching the younger women. The Bible says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing.” (Proverbs 18:22) We need to help these young women be wives, so they’re ready when their time comes. 

• Practical Applications:
  • Engage other sisters to help take care of your kids. 
  • Train them on how to take care of your kids in the house and outside of the house. Create a clear schedule for them to follow and directions. This trains sisters to be self-disciplined, as well.
  • Keep a one-to-one ratio when having sisters watch the kids in public (park, mall, campus, etc). It’s less overwhelming for them, and they will be able to fellowship too. 
  • During fellowship events, have sisters take turns to watch your kids. For example, each sister watches the kids an hour at a time. 
  • Other fellowship times sisters can watch the kids: 
    • Sunday: during lunch between church and leaders, so you can get lunch with another couple. 
    • Wednesday: when we have alternating mid-weeks, have disciples over your house. 
    • Thursday: campus sisters can watch the kids, so you can build relationships with your BT after the discussion. 
  • Train the kids to be with disciples. Kids raised in the Kingdom have deep relationships they can rely on when they are in their teen years. I cherish the relationship I have with Lian, the Dimitry’s teen daughter, and I’m so grateful we have a relationship where she can come to me about critical matters. In the world, teens go to their friends because they don’t want to go to their parents. However, in the Kingdom, even teens who aren’t disciples, have disciples as pseudo-parents they can go to, and they will actually give them godly advice. 
  • Pull brothers in, as well! Of course, set boundaries with them, such as they can’t take them to the bathroom, or watch them alone, etc. Some young brothers haven’t been taught the “Kingdom Babysitting Standard” yet, so we just have to be patient in teaching them. 🙂